Week 13 doesn’t have much to brag about. It was about as much fun as that 0-0 tie (again, thanks for playing) the US got in the World Cup. You know, what the rest of the world calls football just to be confusing. We call it soccer, a name that makes even less sense than what we call football. America! Fuck you, metric system!
But enough about how much Russell Wilson sucks. This seems like a good time to figure out which “contender” should be most embarrassed right now. Keep in mind, a team must be currently in the playoff race to qualify. And yes, we found a trophy for the wiener, er, winner.
The Golden Douche! Also, that’s totally not the trophy my wife gives me when I suggest a three-way with her hot friend Susan.
Take it away, Jets!
THE NEW YORK JETS!
We had about 19 chances to beat the Vikings at the end, half of them from like the 1-yard line, but suddenly we remembered our quarterback is Mike White. He’s like what you get out of a prize machine when you were hoping for anything else.
We’re also 0-14 against the Patriots and they haven’t even had Tom Brady in like 3 years. Boeing has jets that are better at football. But other than that, this is our year!
THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS!
We barely beat the Jets AND Patriots, plus we lost to the Cowboys by 160 points. We’ve also never won a Super Bowl and our quarterback is Kirk Cousins. He’s like what you get out of the prize machine when you were hoping for Mike White.
You want more? It’s winter time and we live in fucking Minnesota. Have you ever taken a frozen shit?
(Editor’s note: The Vikings are the clear front-runner so far.)
THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS!
We don’t really deserve this award, we might still win the Super Bowl. But when you always lose to the Bengals you draw the wrong sort of attention. Like Madonna’s latest family photo that looks like a poster for “The Nightmare Before Christmas 2: Skellington’s Revenge.”
In 1992 Madonna put out a book called “Sex” that topped the New York Times Best Seller list for 3 weeks. It was just naked pictures of her. We didn’t even ask why.
THE TENNESSEE TITANS!
Every year we pretend we’re good and then get ass beat by a team that’s actually good. So that’s what that 35-10 whupping the Eagles just laid on us was all about. For added measure we gave them A.J. Brown and he torched us all day. Did we mention we just fired our GM?
At least we have good country music. Which may not be the flex we think it is. Is Garth Brooks still a thing?
THE MIAMI DOLPHINS!
Yeah, so Jimmy Garoppolo broke his foot when the game started and we got punked by a rookie named Brock Purdy, who literally is called “Mr. Irrelevant.” Which is still better than when Bill Pullman got punked by Ellen DeGeneres in “Mr. Wrong.”
(You think I make these up but these are real movies that happened to people.)
THE NEW YORK GIANTS!
We just tied with the Commanders, but in our defense, we thought it was a soccer match. We weren’t even good when we won those two Super Bowls against the Patriots, we were like 9-7 going into the playoffs. The helmet catch guy wasn’t even good enough to make the team the next year. But Eli Manning still has as many rings as Peyton, so suck on that!
The only Big Blue anyone will see in February is “Avatar: The Way Of Water,” because it will make a billion dollars. Even though no one really wants to watch it.
So those are our nominees for this week’s Golden Douche Award. Now it’s up to you, my for sure sane readers. Please, send me your votes and I’ll announce the wiener next time.
Unless there’s a tie, in which case I’ll just post a random gif of something pooping.
As always, thanks for playing!