Today’s kids are WEAK. They spend half of their childhoods on their iDevices, scrolling through their social media internet sites and hashtagging about their hero, Greta Thunberg. This is just the beginning of the end though, my friends. A study shows that by 2025 most kids won’t know what a book is. Who conducted that study? ME. I collected all my data from watching a five-year-old make a TikTok video in the middle of an Applebee’s restaurant. I was so disgusted, I could barely hold down my $5 artichoke dip.
The Interweb has turned our children into little sissies. They so much as scrape a knee, and they’re on Web MD convincing themselves that they’re experiencing a serious injury. Once they’re done sitting out half of their soccer season, they are rewarded via a “participation trophy.” Back in my day, the reward for losers was life-long shame from disappointing your parents, and I turned out GREAT.
Fixing this issue is beyond merely initiating “limited screen time,” if you can even call that a punishment. We need to put some hair back on our seven-year-olds chests. Just when I thought all hope was lost, I came across a video while I was scrolling through Twitter (I was ONLY on there to post snide comments on Tweets about the benefits plant-based diets).
This is rugball. It is an Eastern European sport that combines the hand-eye coordination of basketball with the physical prowess of one human overtaking the other of wresting. Rugball throws out all the mindless frills of traditional basketball, like dribbling or penalties for punching another player. All you have to do is get the ball in the opponent’s basket. What I find most beautiful about this sport is the pummeling. You see the ball, you want the ball, all you gotta do to get the ball is put your opponent in a headlock while your other twelve teammates hold him down like a calf that’s about to get branded. You want to spit on him in the process just because you can? Go for it. I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.
This what our children need, more pummeling and less hugs and gold stars for “being brave enough to show their emotions.” American parents need to take a page from the Eastern European parenting books. By the time kids in Russia have reached their teens, they’ve already survived upwards of ten face-to-face encounters with wild bears and smoked their weight in hand-rolled cigarettes. Meanwhile, our kids are petting their hypoallergenic, doodle-hybrid puppies and puffing on blue raspberry flavored electronic vape pens.
We must bring grit back to the American children. T-ball and flag football aren’t going to cut it anymore. The only way to save our children from a future of emotional-support holograms and federally mandated kumbaya circles is through physical pain and unnecessary aggression. The only solution is a pee wee rugball league, and the earlier we establish it, the better. Eastern Europe already has pee wee rugball. You know what they call it? RECESS.
Through rugball, our kids will learn discipline, bravery, and how to counter a chokehold with a backwards knee to the groin. The more time our kids spend having balls hurled at them while also fending off a dog pile fellow seven-year-olds, the less time they have to spend watching YouTube tutorials on meditations that “help boost your self-esteem.”
To those parents who find my approach “too aggressive” or “grounds for calling child services,” I wish your children a successful career in competitive cup stacking and a life filled with online friends whom they will never meet. To those of you who are sick and tired of the little wimps you call “son” or “daughter,” join me in creating the American Pee Wee Rugball League (APWRG) and saving our not only our children’s futures, but also America’s future!