Today’s NFL Is A Whore You Can’t Ignore

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This catch is what crack feels like

She sucks up all your time, puts you through the emotional wringer, and does anything for money. You love her, you hate her, you swear you’re done with her after this latest outrage. And then the Jaguars somehow beat the Ravens 28-27 in a thriller and suddenly you’re buying Apple TV+ in case they get the Sunday Ticket package next season.

Oh, you know you shouldn’t be with her. Your wife/girlfriend/blow-up doll mostly just endures it, since at least with this whore you won’t come home with gonorrhea. Unless you go to a Raiders game.

You know she’s flawed. Calls are made and missed that fuck everything up. Scandals happen. Then Seahawks linebacker Darrell Taylor runs off the sideline to start throwing blocks, and no one notices except the internet.

No flag? They use microscopes to determine what a catch is, but no one catches this? What else are the officials missing? The long snapper getting blown by a cheerleader? And Taylor hasn’t cheated this hard since his days with the Really Rottens on “Scooby’s All-Star Laff-A-Lympics.”

But so what if she isn’t perfect? You still can’t get enough of this football whore. She shows you things you just can’t believe. Tom Brady with a losing record, Josh Allen needing last-minute heroics to beat the Lions, even Kirk Cousins winning a primetime game. Which means monkeys are about to fly out of someone’s butt.

When you’re not watching her, you’re thinking about her, talking about her, power ranking her outfits every week. She looks pretty good in Kansas City Red right now, but she changes her mind a lot. And Russell Wilson Orange makes her look fat and way overpaid.

Here and there she’ll tease you with some pom pom action, just to remind you this is all about your penis. Much to the chagrin of your wife or blow-up doll.

Fantasy Football anyone?

Speaking of fantasy, why does the first Harry Potter movie make such a big deal about points and winning the House Cup? It never comes up again. Like ever. I’m beginning to think J.K. Rowling just made all this stuff up.

And don’t get me started on quidditch. The golden snitch? That’s like if someone finds a hockey puck during a football game, the 49ers win. Even cricket makes more sense. Or BASEketball.

Yeah, after that they pretty much stuck to “South Park.” And cocaine.

Face it, the NFL is a greedy whore. And you’re all-in. Like a guy who likes football and whores.

That reminds me, DeShaun Watson is back!

As always, thanks for playing!

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