The Schectman Report, Week 9: NFL Picks from The Matrix

November 3, 2021

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So I was 10-5 against the spread last week (18-9-1 the last two weeks). Once you see through the matrix, you can’t unsee it. Like when you accidentally see the wrong person naked.

Yeah, he came up short, but Tom Brady overcame a 23-7 deficit (and a collective bag of farts by the Bucs all day) to give Tampa a one-point lead in the 4th quarter. Which the defense immediately surrendered so fast even France was blushing. Brady wasn’t perfect, but a lot of teammates owe him a clenched apology.

And all that Bengals hype from last week is still going strong, huh? Oh, right. It’s like the Kirk Cousins thing. Once you finally start believing, that’s when they reveal themselves as the corpse from the bathtub in The Shining.

Which brings us to Week Nine (or as you call it,The Nining)!

JETS (+10.5) AT COLTS

Well if the Bengals can collapse I guess it can happen to anyone. Meanwhile, the Jets only have two wins, but both were really impressive. And pointless. That’s so Jets.

The Colts lost the battle but may have won the war since Derrick Henry got hurt. Plus Indy still has perennial iron-man Carson Wentz, who never gets hurt. The AFC: Walking Dead Edition!

This isn’t a new beginning for the Jets unless you’re thinking Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning. It could be that.

Colts are the pick. Trust me. I just visited the future in 2015 like Marty McFly and they definitely win.

FALCONS (+6) AT SAINTS

The Falcons are a bad team. They do bad things to good people. Mostly viewers. If they were real falcons, they’d be on the side of the road with one wing barely flapping and you deciding how to tell your kids about the Circle of Life as you ask your son to get the shovel.

The Saints beat the Bucs, but lost Jameis Winston. So win-win for them.

You have to go Saints here, even though they are overdue for an inexplicable loss like this would be.

BRONCOS (+9.5) AT COWBOYS

The Broncos haven’t beaten anybody good all year. Which bodes well against the 6-1 Cowboys.

Dallas has Cooper Rush though, who despite sounding like the villain in a Cars movie, now stands to get a $50 million dollar contract from whoever needs a QB this summer. And isn’t willing to pretend they’re getting Deshaun Watson. We’ve known who he is for five minutes, that’s how it works. He already has more wins than Detroit. You’re hired!

Wait, Cooper Rush isn’t Cooper Manning in disguise….?

I think Denver makes this a competitive game. Broncos! You’ll see. You’ll all see.

PATRIOTS (-3.5) AT PANTHERS

The Pats have become the scrappy team no one wants to play. Which ironically is what the Panthers were until they imploded. Kris Kross!

Yeah. This is what 1992 looked like. The worst part was that no one told them their heads were on backward. We didn’t question a lot in those days, and it just seemed like an honest mistake. Blame crack. I do it daily and it works.

I’m going Pats here. Because I’ve worn clothes backward before. The struggle is real.

VIKINGS (+5.5) AT RAVENS

I warn you about Cousins all the time. Stop overpaying mostly mediocre quarterbacks! If you wanna overpay, at least do it for a QB who has really proven himself time and again. Like Cooper Rush. Or the actor who found out his role in Friday Night Lights was to be paralyzed in Season 1 so he could be angry in Season 2.

Baltimore’s running tab with the devil finally came due, and it was in the form of the Bengals. Which seems about right. But I have a sense they only paid the first installment.

So I’m sending Kirk Cousins to collect. What could go wrong? Minnesota here. It’s like kissing your cousins. Oof.

BROWNS (+3) AT BENGALS

Yeah, you thought both these teams were good. Real fun choice here, huh? It’s like the glass bridge in Squid Game. Two choices where to step, and neither seems like a very good idea.

I’m gonna go Bengals, for the best reason I can think of. They’re from Ohio and they’re not the Browns.

BILLS (-14) AT JAGUARS

Finally, a real home game for the time-zone-traveling Jags, who really wanna get back to the future after taking the DeLorean to Seattle. But in a shocking plot twist, the timeline has been altered so they lose no matter where (or when) they go!

If the Bills want us to take them seriously, they should win this game by 40. The AFC has never been so there for the taking. No one wants it. Like anchovies or anything Netflix pretends is trending hot.

Buffalo wins. Will it be domination or super domination? That’s for you to decide. Even though I’m making the picks. Awkward.

TEXANS (+7) AT DOLPHINS

This one better be televised nationally.

This is the football version of the Great Resignation. You’re not paying us enough to endure this.

It doesn’t even deserve a visual gag. But you get one anyway, that’s the twist. Chris Cross!

The Dolphins played the Bills tough all game. And still got blown out somehow. Always a good sign. Still, it’s possible the Texans figure out you can get beer at fast-food restaurants in Florida and never make it to the game. The outcome won’t change much.

Sign me up for Miami here! Including the Sound Machine. Yeah, I’m all in.

RAIDERS (-3) AT GIANTS

Here come the Raiders! Overcoming distractions, defying expectations…they must have a great owner.

I like to post pictures of Mark Davis to remind myself that I’m relatively handsome. Sadly, it’s relative to Mark Davis. It’s okay, he’s relatively richer than me. I think we’re even on skin blemishes that really ought to be checked.

The Giants are a team desperately wishing they could rise to mediocre. The only thing keeping them from going 6-10 again this year is the 17-game schedule.

They just don’t impress me much. And I’m easily impressed. Yesterday I gave my dog a treat just for staring at me like a champ.

Raiders here.

CHARGERS (-2.5) AT EAGLES

The Chargers got a little embarrassed by the Pats, who tried their best to blow it. The Eagles beat the Lions, so no winners there either.

The Chargers feel a little exposed to me. Not in a butt fumble kind of way. But kinda.

Jets fans can’t believe they get mocked even when they win. But that’s the best time!

I’ll take Philly in this one. Justin Herbert looks too much like the girl who turned me down for the prom.

PACKERS (+7.5) AT CHIEFS

Has any team been more underwhelming than the Chiefs so far? Calm down Lions, you’re just standard whelming for you.

Speaking of underwhelming, has anyone seen No Time To Die? And who doesn’t have time to die? Detroit fans find time every week.

I’m worried about KC. I’m also worried about KFC, but that’s more about the time I walked in and saw a sign explaining that their ingredients might cause cancer. Or maybe their ingredients were actually cancer. Pretty genius marketing because that way nobody even thinks about heart disease. I digress. As KC has done most of this season.

Packers for me. They just beat Arizona with hot dog vendors at all the skill positions.

Note: With Rodgers out, I had to update this. Sticking with Green Bay but I want more points now. Mmm, extra points. Tasty!

CARDINALS (-2.5) AT 49ERS

That was a really weird way the Cards found to lose to Green Bay. That’s what teams who are used to being bad do. They think, “Hey, has anyone tried losing like this??”

I know, I know. The Niners are all banged up in this one, nothing like the Packers were. Oh, wait.

This is more of a game than you think. Like online dating. Or any dating. Or trying to remember today’s date.

The 49ers are the pick. Jimmy G’s porn star girlfriend compels you.

TITANS (+7.5) AT RAMS

Good news, bad news for the Titans. They lost Derrick Henry, but this week they get the Rams, who just added Von Miller. You’re right, there was less good news than I initially implied.

In my defense, The Titans did lose to the Jets before all this.

See? Always funnier the second time.

I’m going Titans here. They may be dead, but they haven’t had time to die yet. Have you seen any of the odd-numbered Halloween movies?

BEARS (+6.5) AT STEELERS

It’s hard to watch the Bears. It’s like seeing that girl from high school who peaked as the 27th hottest girl in junior year and by senior year everybody is pretty sure she’s the Bulgarian transfer student.

The Steelers are what you look like to her. Clearly, you stopped going to the gym.