Yeah, it’s all about the shock factor this week. You won’t even believe some of my picks this week. You’ll think I’ve come down with some sort of sea madness, like Raiders owner Mark Davis, who looks like he just took a vacation on the sun. And yet, the last two weeks I’m over .500, so freckle me this…
Have all the Browns and Chargers fans come back to earth yet? Carolina? Denver? I’ve been warning you all season. I can’t save you from Squid Game if you keep refusing to murder the Korean version of the crazy girl from The Ring.
Meanwhile, the Jaguars are undefeated at home in other countries. Don’t worry, other countries aren’t bragging about it either. This was how every sportscast in England started:
The best cure for being caught on camera with a woman, not your wife, dancing on your lap at a bar is a win in a country that could care less about real football.
Let’s hit Week Seven!
BRONCOS (+3) AT BROWNS
You should be shocked at whoever I pick here. Any choice is shocking. And embarrassing. Like when someone asks who your favorite billionaire is.
It has nothing to do with how banged up Cleveland is (including Baker Mayfield’s Limp Bizkit arm), mind you. And everything to do with them being the Browns.
Denver on the other hand is already volunteering to play in London. Or Minsk. Or Jeff Bezos’ secret moonbase.
I’ll go Browns here (shock #1) because it’s totally what Mark Cuban would do. And he’s a billionaire!
FOOTBALL TEAM (+9.5) AT PACKERS
How bad was the NFC East last year? We allowed a nameless team to represent it in the playoffs. Ah, Taylor Heinicke. Heineken? We already have a Coors Field. We get it. Beer goes with football. At least Von Miller shortened his name from Von Miller Lite. And that was before his sex tape.
Green Bay has the quarterback who sounds less like a German beer, but that’s not a good reason to pick them this week. It’s a great reason! But here’s a better one: the Packers haven’t played their best yet, Washington looks like they already have.
I’m not sure what the frontrunner is on a new team name, but have they considered just going with Deadskins?
Packers here. The shocking part is that no one has vetoed Deadskins yet. Dan Snyder is a peach.
CHIEFS (-4.5) AT TITANS
The Chiefs either lose or at least look like they’re going to lose every week. Always the sign of a good team. But they still kinda look and sound like the Chiefs. At what point do we suspect we’re being catfished?
The Titans are even fishier. Not that long ago they lost to the Jets (still better than a tie). Then they turn around and beat the Bills. That only makes sense if you’ve got money on the game. J’accuse!
That’s why the Titans are my pick. Shockingly they’re playing better than the Chiefs. Not counting the tie they opted out of against the Jets by missing that field goal on purpose. Like when Samurai kill themselves to avoid eternal shame. Or people watch Adam Driver movies.
FALCONS (-2.5) AT DOLPHINS
Another challenge. Is either pick more shocking? Or just more sad? What would Mark Cuban do?
That’s why he’s a billionaire!
The Falcons are so bad they’re starting to miss the 28-3 game. And the Dolphins just went all the way to England to lose to the Jags, hoping no one would notice. To their credit, no one did. Except for Germany. They’re always watching.
If you bet on this game, you have a gambling problem.
I’m betting on Atlanta! Shock-shock-shock, Shocka Khan!
JETS (+7) AT PATRIOTS
The Patriots now look like every team they’ve beaten for the last 20 years. You can still say they’re competitive, only now you mean it in the sad way. Like when you’re trying to cheer up Detroit fans. Or listening to your grandma talk about all the boys who wanted to date her in high school.
At least they have Mac Jones. How is Robert Kraft not using him to promote his mac ‘n cheese brand yet? Someone should get on that.
The Jets should be crushing the Pats now, and gloating after decades of abuse. But it’s tough to gloat when your only win of the season should have been a tie. And not the good kind.
Zach v Mac 2: The Sequel! Let’s just hope no one turns to jelly, like Simon in Airplane 2: The Sequel (and by no one I mean Zach).
Yes, I’m going with the Pats. But still shocking if you remember how bad they looked against the Texans in Week Five. Bad even when they win. Move over, Chicago!
PANTHERS (-3) AT GIANTS
The Giants looked fired up to play the Rams. Until the Rams started scoring and didn’t even stop for the mercy rule.
Meanwhile the Panthers went from 3-0 to 3-3 in what felt like a week, as Sam Darnold finally got back to playing Jets football.
Think of it this way. There are no bad teams. Just bad picks.
And bad teams.
Panthers here. Because a Giants win as a home underdog coming off a humiliating defeat wouldn’t be all that shocking.
BENGALS (+6.5) AT RAVENS
Good test for 4-2 Cincy. And when was the last time the Bengals won in Pittsburgh AND in Baltimore in the same season? Hint: it happens roughly as often as pandemics. Or a guy getting some action at Notre Dame.
Plus the Ravens are rolling all of a sudden, after winning about nineteen games they had no business winning. But who counts that stuff? Oh right, the ’72 Dolphins do. Still.
I’m going Ravens. But shocking because they should be 2-4. Like, for real. It’s not funny. Fumble-itis is a serious disease.
EAGLES (+3) AT RAIDERS
The Raiders didn’t implode. Huh. Well now they’re just as much a wild card as Philly. Who knows what either of these teams will do. They’re both harder to predict than that beast man in Split.
And then Bruce Willis shows up at the end because apparently any movie can tie together with any other movie ever made.
I’m going with the Raiders, since they’re shockingly dysfunctional. Like M. Night Shyamalan movies since The Sixth Sense.
LIONS (+15.5) AT RAMS
It’s a lot of points. The problem is that no one on the Lions (or not on the Lions) actually believes they can win this game. It takes a mental toll. Like watching too many Netflix Originals.
The Lions are the only winless team. And yes, I’ve used that line before. Just check under “almost any NFL season” (you may need additional filters to narrow it down).
So it’s just a question of how much will they lose this game by. Keep in mind they nearly beat the Ravens and the Vikings.
Rams are the pick! Are you shocked? When they only win by 15 you can come and ask me for your juice money back.
TEXANS (+17) AT CARDINALS
The Texans are in the sunken place.
Hey, remember that time the Texans showed up for a game in Foxboro wearing varsity letterman jackets? Because they wanted to impress some high school girls? Then they promptly lost by about 30? Yeah… This feels like a whole season of that.
And shouldn’t they have to wear those jackets again until they win? I say yes.
The Cardinals will be 7-0. With Kyler (definitely related to Bill) Murray leading the charge. Shocking!
Cardinals are the pick! With a mercy rule, this could be over by halftime.
BEARS (+13.5) AT BUCCANEERS
What was with the Bucs getting a big lead against Philly and then just stopping? It was weird, right? Like when a date’s going really well and suddenly she turns to ice because you said something that reminded her of a show she saw about serial killers.
Fun fact: the word “meh” is just an anagram for “Bears”.
Also, joining the Bucs secondary is like joining Captain Kirk’s landing party as a no-name red shirt. Enjoy your hurt locker, security guard Kellowitz.
But the Bears aren’t really built to take advantage of depleted secondaries. So, Bucs are the pick. Has anybody else noticed how many huge spreads there are in this parity league?
COLTS (+3.5) AT 49ERS
A tale of sorrow and woe. These teams were both supposed to be good. They started out all happy and un-injured, like astronauts on the moon. Then the supervillains from Superman II show up like:
Note: whatever you do, do NOT respond to her question with “Jimmy Garoppolo” or “Carson Wentz”. Better to let her just kill you on the moon.
I like the Colts here. Because I’m shocked Wentz can even stand up without help. Also, the 49ers trainers are either intentionally sabotaging the lower appendages of their players or they are really bad trainers. A middle-aged YMCA pickup game has fewer injuries than any quarter of play for the 49ers.
SAINTS (-4.5) AT SEAHAWKS
Did you like Geno Smith’s impersonation of Lamar Jackson at the end of that Steelers game? The only difference is when Jackson does the mind-numbing fumbles, somehow his team still wins. Pete Carroll went through all the emotions: happy, sad, confused, famished.
And the Saints? Who knows what you’ll get. They’re like the prize in a Crackerjack box. You’re hoping for a football toy, but there’s a good chance it’s a SpongeBob tattoo.
This game is like the Inconsistency Bowl (not to be confused with the Irritable Bowel Bowl, but same kind of slippery fun).
It would be shocking to see Pete Carroll and Geno Smith even win a potato sack race. So I’m in! Seahawks.
You right now:
And that takes us through Week Seven!
As always, thanks for playing!
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