It’s official. Conspiracy is afoot. Trust no one. All the contenders have been exposed and the NFL is full of Jekyll and Hydes. That Football God all the players love to thank when they win? I’m not so sure it’s really a god after all.
But how about Detroit? Which is more humiliating, 0-17 or 0-16-1? It’s a fair question. There’s nothing worse in sports than a tie. It’s why Americans can’t stand soccer or yodeling competitions.
After last week’s games, I might have to start drinking again. I think the quicker we get to Week Eleven the better. So let’s go!
PATRIOTS (-7) AT FALCONS
New England is close to winning the “Team No One Wants To Play” award for the first time since Brady lived there. Which wasn’t that long ago. Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes.
We’ll get to what happened to Atlanta against Dallas later. Matt Ryan has bigger problems. Like it’s not bad enough he sees Brady twice a year now, here’s Belichick coming to town wearing his 28-3 ring.
It’s not all bad for Atlanta.
You’re right, it is. Patriots are the pick.
COLTS (+7) AT BILLS
I don’t trust the Colts. Or the Bills. So where does that leave us? You know how they make burgers look so appetizing in the commercials and then the one you actually get looks like it was born deformed and then run over by a truck? Yeah, that’s both these teams right now.
Yes, the Bills should win handily. And that’s the kind of logic that cost everyone their burger money last week. The Bills will relax a little after making the Jets look like the Jets. Which is like breaking the first rule of Fight Club.
Take the Colts and the points.
PACKERS (-2.5) AT VIKINGS
So all the Packers have to do is win by a field goal? Did Kirk Cousins get benched or something? I don’t get it. Are the Packers overrated? Yes. But the Vikings still have Kirk “Kissing” Cousins. He won last week by the way, which is what mediocre quarterbacks do sometimes.
But only sometimes.
Like, as often as you know the final Jeopardy answer.
And the category is Nineteenth-Century Poets.
I’m going Packers here. Final answer.
BENGALS (-1) AT RAIDERS
Remember a few weeks ago when the Bengals were the #1 seed in the AFC for eight seconds?
And remember when the Raiders’ team photo didn’t look like this?
The wheels can fall off fast in the NFL. It doesn’t take much to ruin everything. Like having breakfast with the stripper from last night.
I’ll go Bengals here. Because gambling is an addiction. Unlike porn, or crack. Or porn and crack.
I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.
COWBOYS (+2.5) AT CHIEFS
I love this game. I actually want to watch it. Unless someone offers me porn or crack.
The Chiefs finally seemed to turn the corner against the Raiders. But I don’t believe it yet. Meanwhile, the Cowboys played the Falcons, and this is how it went for Atlanta:
It’s really the perfect time for Dallas and KC to meet. And whoever loses will feel like Wile E. Coyote. It’s a win-win for everyone else!
On a hunch, I’m going with the Chiefs. The hunch just refers to my back, I have terrible posture and at this point am indistinguishable from Gollum.
To be fair, one of the problems here was crack.
CARDINALS (-2.5) AT SEAHAWKS
I guess the Cards need Kyler Murray after all. If they play anyone besides Houston.
It was good news, bad news for the Seahawks and Russell Wilson. He magically got healed in time to play. But, he went to Hogwarts for the procedure.
This might explain why Seattle scored as many points as I did on my couch.
Kyler “I had to buy ‘Kyle’ gift shop license plates and add the ‘R’ myself” Murray might play this week, but if you think I’m picking Arizona, you haven’t been paying attention.
Seahawks here. Despite the presence of Pete Carroll, who can’t even find his own challenge flag.
It’s the empty thought bubble for me.
RAVENS (-6) AT BEARS
I hate picking either of these teams. They’re both so bad it’s like trying to pick the healthier option between the McRib and the McNuggets. Can’t I just skip ahead to the frowning doctor who tells me I have heart disease?
I know, you think the Ravens are actually decent. That’s an illusion. Like when you think someone’s happy because they’re smiling, but they’re actually picturing you naked and dead.
I’ll take the Bears and the points. And just writing that makes me feel naked and dead, so yeah, you win again Guy Smiley.
LIONS (+10) AT BROWNS
The Lions! How do you come closer to winning without winning than when they lost to the Ravens on a 66-yard last-second field goal? Yup, you guessed it, a tie!
Actual clowns are watching Detroit and just quitting the profession altogether.
I had to specify Detroit there because Cleveland is their opponent this week. The Browns put up a quick 7 on the Pats and then switched uniforms with the cheerleaders to hide, taking a cue from Shaggy and Scooby. It almost worked!
I’m taking the Browns. If they bring a box of Scooby Snacks this time they can pull it off.
TEXANS (+10) AT TITANS
Gee, what a tough challenge for the Titans. When the Texans play football it looks like some kind of Muppet movie on Disney+.
Sorry, that was uncalled for. The Muppets didn’t deserve that.
The Titans get to be pretenders for another week. Like when you first start dating someone and don’t tell your wife.
I’ll go Titans here. But it’s only a matter of time until my wife finds out they already lost to the Jets.
DOLPHINS (-3.5) AT JETS
Speaking of the Jets, you can usually count on them to lose by about 30, as they did against, well, almost everyone. But the Dolphins really struggled against the Texans, so this whole thing is just a mess. Like when your new girlfriend tells you about all the things she hated about her last boyfriend, and you like all those things.
This is a game New York should be able to keep close. Said Schectman, with that same look on his face you see above.
Look, if the Jets trick you into picking them and you lose, you just gotta tip your hat and say “Well played, Nigerian Prince. Your horribly constructed email scam seemed legit and I clicked the link that ruined my life.”
On second thought, I’m taking the Dolphins.
SAINTS (+1.5) AT EAGLES
Just because the Saints almost beat the Titans doesn’t mean they’re good. And just because the Eagles did beat the Broncos doesn’t mean they’re good either. Glad we got that settled.
It’s really the NFL Law Of Inconsistency (or LOI as you like to call it) at play here with teams as unpredictable as these two. Basically, it means whichever pick makes more sense to you, go with the opposite.
That means I’m taking New Orleans. Because it feels wrong. Like getting a vasectomy in Mexico.
Or not in Mexico.
FOOTBALL TEAM (+3.5) AT PANTHERS
I belittled the Football Team last week and they responded by beating Tampa Bay. But they still stink. I’ve been told I’d be a great motivational speaker if only I wasn’t so optimistic all the time.
The Panthers are a big nothing burger without the burger. Oops. There’s that eternal sunshine of mine again.
I’m only so hard on these teams because I care. No, wait. It’s because I’m a bitter alcoholic.
I’ll go with the Football Team here. Because at least they listen when I say hurtful things.
49ERS (-5.5) AT JAGUARS
The Jags were feisty again this week. So there’s that. Plus they’re almost unbeatable at home. And by that I mean London. Too bad this game is in Jacksonville. Too bad anything is in Jacksonville. Besides all those Hooters. Everybody in town gets their own.
The Niners have problems, but the Rams ain’t one of ’em. That’s what the Rams get for going all-in this year. How’s that working out?
But this isn’t about the Rams. It’s about a terrible, terrible football game that only sad, substance-abusing football junkies will watch any part of.
Yeah, but at least I have an excuse. What’s yours?
I’m sticking with Jimmy G, the San Francisco treat that never was.
STEELERS (+3.5) AT CHARGERS
Well, the Steelers got that tie with the Lions, so they’re gonna look like this for a while:
This is really unfortunate because no one can feel good about picking the Chargers anymore. I mean, a lot of folks were calling for the cone of shame when Pittsburgh almost blew it against the Bears. Okay, it was me. I was the folks. But now this?
On the other hand, the cone of shame comes with the Charger logo emblazoned on it.
Also the Nike logo.
I’ll take the Chargers. Just because this tie cannot go unpunished.
Also that thing with the Lions.
GIANTS (+11.5) AT BUCCANEERS
Generally speaking, Tom Brady doesn’t love seeing the Giants. But this isn’t a Super Bowl, and Eli Manning is busy being the face no one wants to see on the Monday Night Football broadcast.
The Bucs have dropped two in a row, mainly by being very sloppy. Like that time you spelled Kyle with an R at the end on some poor kid’s birth certificate.
It ends here. The losing I mean. We’re stuck with Kyler forever.
Bucs are the pick. Even though the Giants could still screw us with the points. Because they have to screw someone, they’re from New York.
And that’s it for Week Eleven!
As always, thanks for playing!
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