You know there’s nothing else to watch when you settle for the Pro Bowl. It’s like that moment you finish someone else’s beer even though there’s a cigarette in it and realize you have a drinking problem.
But at least Pizza Hut spent millions of dollars to remind us that the best they could come up with was “No one out-pizzas Jabba The Hutt.”
It’s Super Bowl Week! The NFL has stretched this thing out all the way to Valentine’s Day. This is great, cause when your team breaks your heart in the big game there’s nothing you want to do more the next day than celebrate love. Especially when you lost money on the game and put a shoe through the TV. Ah, l’amour.
So let’s get this show started!
RAMS (-4.5) “AT” BENGALS
Worst home game ever for the Bengals. There’s an added humiliation in them “officially” being the home team, which is why it’s so great. You love it when things make this much sense. It’s part of the NFL’s ongoing “We didn’t think this through!” campaign.
Did you know the Bengals have never lost a Super Bowl by more than 5 points? Or less than 4? Just in case you were wondering where that 4.5 spread came from. Yeah, they don’t put as much thought into it as you think they do. Like the marketing wizards at Pizza Hut.
The Rams and Bengals have combined for a 1-6 lifetime record in the big game, which should fill you with confidence in wagering on either.
The Rams have more overall talent and experience. They’re kind of a Pro Bowl team. They’re also mistake-prone instead of dominant. Always a good sign.
The Bengals survived two separate murder attempts by Patrick Mahomes, and now nothing scares them. Except for the thought of being renamed the Commanders.
THE CASE FOR THE RAMS
If the Rams lose then Matthew Stafford went exactly as far as Jared Goff. So by the laws of Hollywood comedies, they would have to switch back. He has to win. He’s favored, and he has the team to do it.
L.A. cashed in all their chips for big-time talent, and they have it both on offense and defense. Cooper Kupp changed his diet this year and now he’s getting his own Marvel movie. When Jimmy Garoppolo even thought about a game-winning drive in the NFC Championship, Aaron Donald swallowed him whole and crapped him out like a live-action poop emoji. Here’s Jimmy now:
When the game is on the line, the Rams have players all over who can make the big play. And so far, they have. But just barely…
If the Super Bowl is a blow out though, it will be in favor of the Rams.
THE CASE FOR THE BENGALS
Joe Burrow is already almost as amazing as he thinks he is. And he has weapons around him. Even the kicker.
There’s no pressure on Cincy here. They’re young. They don’t even realize how hard it is to get to this game. Right now they think they’re gonna keep coming back. Ask Matt Ryan if he still feels that way.
But that confidence is scary. Did you see them on the sidelines when they were down big to the Chiefs? And all through the comeback? That kind of calm is terrifying. If you’re married, you know.
You’re worried about the offensive line? Do you think the Rams will get more than 9 sacks? Because that’s what the Titans got and they’re at home playing Wordle.
THE PICK
I’m taking the Bengals and those precious points. Because of everything that happened after the Wild Card round. Including Mac Jones doing the Griddy.
If the Rams win by 5 I’m doing the Griddy.
Also, what the hell is the Griddy?
Enjoy the show, all we have is basketball after this.
As always, thanks for playing!
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