Hey, the Lions lost 19-17 on a last-second field goal from a mile away! I know, I know, I’ll have to be more specific. This time it was to the Vikings. At least it wasn’t at home in front of their fan(s?) again. Can you get PTSD from watching football? You can, right?
I know you can get it from playing against Tom Brady.
They say it makes your neck itch. A lot of Dolphins scratching things this week. But more importantly, why does baseball still insist on showing hits and errors along with runs (you know, the part that matters)? Is there no other way for me to track pointless stats like errors? Isn’t that why we have the internet? It’s almost as useful a stat as quarterback “hurries”.
Let’s just move on. To Week Six!
BUCCANEERS (-7) AT EAGLES
Sometimes Brady goes Blowtorch Mode like that for fun. It’s easy to forget he’s only 44, the springtime of his youth. Remember when Roger Clemens (since you love baseball so much) left Boston after an illustrious career there, and instead of retiring he went on to play like 30 more seasons for the Yankees? Yeah, that.
The Eagles beat the Panthers (who I warned you about). But was anyone impressed? Better yet, did anyone even watch? I’d rather watch a Philly cheese steak for three hours than Eagles/Panthers again.
Will the Bucs struggle more than they did against Miami? Probably. Are the Eagles for real? Probably not. Do I want a cheese steak now? Definitely.
DOLPHINS (-3.5) “AT” JAGUARS
See, now this is the game London was salivating for. The Falcons/Jets thrill-fest was totally worth it just for this. All the Florida teams, minus the good one.
Miami and Jacksonville are both coming off games where they took all the beatings from Rocky IV.
Look, the Jags might not be America’s Team. But they may very well be England’s Team. It’s the meanest thing we’ve done to the Brits since revolting. Well, that and making them watch Tiger King.
The Jags will do better in front of their true home fans. Jacksonville is the pick.
TEXANS (+9.5) AT COLTS
The Colts had a 19 point lead on Baltimore when they suddenly realized, “Hey, if we do everything wrong from this point on, this can be our 28-3!”
(Somewhere Matt Ryan scratches his neck.)
The Texans, meanwhile, marched up and down on the sad Patriots all day. Really their only mistake was kicking a punt off their own lineman’s head. And somehow that was enough to cost them a game they dominated. You know when they talk about some teams having a slim margin of error? Yeah, that.
See now that’s a useful error stat, MLB. But not if it means missing the constant reminder that the shortstop missed a throw to first base. Forget I said anything.
How will the Colts respond to their 28-3? Put it this way: how did Atlanta?
I’m going with Houston and the points.
PACKERS (-4.5) AT BEARS
The Bears beat the Raiders, who have disappeared faster than a Squid Game contestant. It doesn’t mean the Bears are any good, mind you. It means Squid Game is really hard.
It’s fun to play though. You can see the happy in their faces. It’s Belichick happy so you have to really want to see it.
The Packers were busy trying to set the record for most number of costly missed field goals in a single game. Only to be outdone by the Bengal kicker celebrating his game-winner that actually missed. At that point, Green Bay gave up and just made one.
Packers here, we have to just assume they’re bored. Like when Larry Bird played a game left-handed.
CHIEFS (-6.5) AT FOOTBALL TEAM
I can sum up Kansas City’s season so far in 30 seconds:
As for Football Team, the same thing. Except they don’t even have a nickname to misspell, so let’s just go with Fotball Team.
I wasn’t expecting Patrick Mahomes to fall off the cliff before Tom Brady. But here we are.
I still like twilight-of-his-career Mahomes in this one though. Chefs are the pick.
VIKINGS (-1) AT PANTHERS
Kirk Cousins even managed to squeak one out against the juggernaut that is Detroit. Is there anything he can’t do?
The Panthers would be a good test for Minnesota, but that would go against their policy of folding in big moments. The entire team is overrated. Like Blue Man Group.
Yeah, people actually pay to see that crap too. The one on the left doesn’t even look like he wants to be there, why would you?
The Vikings are the lesser of two overrated teams here.
So, yeah. Minnesota! Unless Carolina signs Blue Man Group before the game because together they would be unstoppable.
CHARGERS (+3) AT RAVENS
The Ravens have to pay the Devil back at some point, don’t they? They will. Later in the season. You’ll see. You’ll all see. To be fair, these aren’t Super Bowl teams Baltimore is hell-surfing on. Well, Kansas City was. But do they look like a Super Bowl team?
Would Lamar Jackson fumble his own foot if it wasn’t attached? I say yes.
The Chargers are winning the games they usually lose. Though last week doesn’t count. You don’t change perceptions by doing it to the Browns.
This is all just setting up for a much more painful Chargers loss down the road. Think playoffs.
But I like LA here.
Even though the Ravens now need a bigger locker room to hold their swagger. They’re Like John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction after all the bullets fired at them inexplicably miss.
BENGALS (-3.5) AT LIONS
I know what you’re thinking. Good week to pick the Lions. Wait. That’s not something human people ever think. You were thinking about porn.
It’s not that the Lions aren’t capable of winning a game here and there. And you’d be right to be troubled by the Bengals not knowing what constitutes a successful field goal. Plus the whole history of ineptitude thing. Still.
Yes, this could be the week for Detroit.
But it won’t be. The Bengals aren’t as bad this year as they pretend to be for a living on television.
Bengal fans right now:
I’m taking Cincy here. At least they have nuts to kick.
RAMS (-10.5) AT GIANTS
The Giants can’t win with what they have left. Unless it’s a Super Bowl and the opponent is New England.
The Rams are good. Could be better though. Did you notice the awful Matthew Stafford INT in the end zone early in the game against Seattle? You can take the Stafford out of Detroit, but you can’t take Detroit out of the Stafford.
As for this game, New York isn’t about to escape from LA unless they sign Snake Plissken by Sunday.
He’s thinking about it…
Rams are a yes. They’re the Duke of New York, A-Number-One.
CARDINALS (+3) AT BROWNS
The Cardinals have been good. And lucky. One of those two things is due to falter in Cleveland. I for one found the win over the legless Niners last week uninspiring. Like dinner food at IHOP.
As for the Browns, painful ending to the Charger game. That’s just not Cleveland Brown football. Oh, wait.
Also, this is Cleveland Brown football:
I like the Cleveland Browns this week.
An undefeated Arizona team this deep into the season is too unsettling. Like being halfway through a new Star Wars movie and not hating it yet.
RAIDERS (+3.5) AT BRONCOS
The Raiders were 3-0 and had a head coach. Now they remind me of that scene in Aliens when all the badass marines creep into the alien hive. And then the aliens wake up and pretty soon all that’s left is Ripley, a little girl, a burnt marine, and half of Bishop.
The Raiders probably feel like this lady did (and her next words were, “Please…kill me”).
As every gambler knows, fortunes can change fast in Vegas. Alien hives everywhere. They even comp you.
As for the Broncos, they aren’t very good. But they don’t have to be this week.
Denver is the pick.
COWBOYS (-4) AT NEW ENGLAND
The Patriots always play up to the competition. Or down. It makes them as good as Tampa Bay and as bad as Houston. Good times!
The Cowboys keep rolling. They think they’re good, and isn’t that all that matters? Even if they haven’t won a Super Bowl in almost 30 years. America’s Team!
I think the Pats will put up a fight. But somehow Mac Jones is their best player already. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. But I’m not sure it’s a good thing either. Like when your hot-but-crazy ex-girlfriend thinks the two of you should talk.
The Pats are in a weird post-Brady transition. They want to make him jealous, but they showed up to the prom with the girls’ gym teacher.
Dallas is the pick here.
SEAHAWKS (+4.5) AT STEELERS
Russell Wilson was the only thing holding that Seahawk ship together. Now it’s just Pete Carroll. And he only recently found out he hasn’t been coaching the Mariners all this time.
The Steelers are limping along. Not good, not terrible. Like almost everything on Netflix.
These teams met in a Super Bowl once. Seattle got hosed by the refs, but no one cared because it was in Detroit. That’s right, Detroit hosted a Super Bowl. Because the NFL is just mean.
BILLS (-4.5) AT TITANS
You know, Buffalo, a lot of teams look unbeatable for awhile during the regular season, only to come up short in the end. Like the team you just beat did last year. But if you want to bring Rex Ryan back to start planning a parade route, that’s your business. It worked out great for the Jets that time.
The Titans are decent, but they were supposed to be better. Like all-peanut-butter Reese’s, or 5G.
Remember when the Bills came to town for the Music City Miracle game? How did that end again? Oh, right.
Tennessee needs another miracle. Not this time. Revenge is a dish best served years later, when no one remembers and it doesn’t matter anymore.
And that’s a wrap on Week Six!
As always, thanks for playing!