The Schectman Report, NFL Week 5: Predicting What Happens Before It Happens

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Did Urban Meyer think momentum works differently in the NFL than it does in college? The Jaguars were cruising, up 14-0 and then he went for it on 4th and goal from the one. Because a three-score lead wasn’t good enough. Well, how’d things go after that, Urban? Also, were you conceived on a city street or something? Why did someone name you Urban and not Rural?

Meanwhile, the Tom Brady/Bill Belichick showdown was all that and more. My god, Brady must have felt like Will Smith going up against a younger version of himself in Gemini Man. A movie no one saw on purpose, but you get it. Mac Jones looked more like Brady than Brady.

And yeah, Brady “won” (barely). But really he more survived the ordeal. Like Sigourney Weaver in an Alien movie. Except for the one where she died. I won’t say which one, I don’t do spoilers. So I’m not saying it was Alien 3.

Belichick played the role of the alien. Sure, he was defeated in the end, but he scared the hell out of everybody on board that Tampa Bay pirate ship.

I mean, when he wasn’t picking his teeth with a pencil.

Which takes us to Week Five!

RAMS (-2.5) AT SEAHAWKS

Classic letdown game for the Rams against Arizona. Classic “We’re back on track!” (except they’re not) game for Seattle over the Niners. And now they meet. It would’ve packed more punch if LA didn’t just get steamrolled, but so be it. As long as they still hate each other.

No matter how good or bad either of these teams is, it always seems to be a crazy close game when they play. Even Pete Carroll looks excited. Or like a deer in headlights. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which, even for him.

I trust the Rams to bounce back after the wake-up call more than I trust…well, you know.

Rams here.

JETS (+3) “AT” FALCONS

Yeah, it’s in London. We want them to love American football so much we gave them Jets/Falcons. I mean, if that doesn’t win over the Brits, what will? No wonder everyone hates us.

The Jets won a game. I guess. Should have been a tie, and that would have been more Jet-like. Still, congratulations are in order.

Detroit fans feel like Chewie.

Atlanta found a way to lose. Again. They’ve been awfully good at that since 28-3. But I like them this week. Failure doesn’t haunt them in other countries as it does here.

Falcons, in this must-see-TV event that’s totally worth getting up at 6am for on the west coast.

LIONS (+7.5) AT VIKINGS

I warned you the Lions might just go all fetal on us and they did. But meanwhile, the moment you bank on Kirk Cousins he stinks up the joint. That was so him against the Browns. Also, I heard his parents are actual cousins.

The Lions stink. Cousins stinks. And inbreeding is still in play.

Which all just makes this game that much worse. Worse than the Korean version of red light, green light.

It’s a Squid Game world now. Mostly for Detroit.

It pains me to pick Minnesota here but I have to. Until the Lions show some desire. Or a pulse.

SAINTS (-2) AT FOOTBALL/SOCCER TEAM

The up and down Saints remind me a lot of the up and down Buccaneers before Tom Brady got there. I wonder what the link could be? Oh, right. Jameis “Win Some” Winston. You might remember him from such record books as the only NFL QB to ever throw 30 TDs and 30 INTs in the same season. It takes talent to be that good and bad, kids. Put in the work and you too will see results.

As for the Football/Soccer Team, they’re living up to their generic nickname. They’re like the supermarket brand name of whatever you want. Yeah, it kinda looks like the real thing. Just not as good.

Here’s what it’s like to watch this team:

You’re not even sure which team is them. Ladies and gentlemen, your Washington Football Team!

I’m going Saints here. I hate the product, but at least it’s not store brand.

PATRIOTS (-9.5) AT TEXANS

If the Patriots were a yard or two closer that field goal is good. And then Brady would have had 59 seconds left and it would have gotten insanely fun. Also the defense made Brady solve a Rubik’s cube on every snap. He looked about as comfortable as everyone playing red light, green light.

The Texans lost, yeah, but only by 40. Cut them some slack, they were really only there to check out Niagara Falls. It’s beautiful this time of year.

The Pats don’t score a lot of points. Feels like 16 or 17 from them every game, doesn’t it? So Houston could cover here by just getting 10, maybe 13 points. I like the Pats to win but the Texans to cover.

DOLPHINS (+10.5) AT BUCCANEERS

Yeah, Brady dodged a bullet in Foxboro. But that killer pass he threw to the end zone on 3rd down, late in the game, down 1, game on the line. Wow. Despite his tough night, that throw made the victory feel earned. Antonio Brown couldn’t quite hold onto it, but the pass was perfect. Belichick felt that dagger whiz past his face.

Although it boomeranged right back and carved “TB12” in his chest when that field goal try hit the upright.

The Bucs have not looked dominant at all yet. But they started slow last year too. It’s kinda their thing.

The Dolphins, meanwhile, are that dangerous bad team. They often stink but can lash out at any given time. Brian Flores spent years in New England, and if you think he’s not stealing the game plan the Pats just used you’re nuts.

This looks like a repeat of last week for the Bucs. Except for this time, Brady won’t do this all game:

Bucs win, but Dolphins cover.

PACKERS (-3) AT BENGALS

The Packers kinda shoulda thumped Pittsburgh a bit harder, no? They may be due for a letdown. Like when you find out what’s really in a McRib.

The Bengals are a little feistier than usual this year. Maybe not like real tigers yet, but at least like ungrateful house cats.

But does Green Bay really lose to Cincy? Are we that close to armageddon?

Maybe Ben Affleck’s not the right guy to ask. He’s about to marry his co-star from Gigli.

I go Packers here.

BRONCOS (+1) AT STEELERS

Normally I would love this game since these teams are always so much alike. The best of smash-mouth, whatever that means. But the Steelers are kind of limping along now, and the Broncos just found out their record is more deceptive than a Tinder profile.

And yes, since you brought it up, those Bronco uniforms with the Nike swoosh on the legs are hideous. That’s what happens when you let Nike in the door. Now most NFL and NBA teams look like junior colleges. But at least there’s 15 bad versions of every uniform.

I’m going Steelers here. More desperate team. Denver still has a ways to go before understanding how bad it gets. Actors go through this at the beginning of Season Two of anything on Netflix.

EAGLES (+3.5) AT PANTHERS

The Eagles tried to hang in there with the Chiefs. So there’s that. No medals, but they get to stand there and watch, like Chewie.

The Panthers got exposed by the Cowboys, as expected. But then they kind of fought back to at least get some self-respect. Like when you cheat on your girlfriend and she slashes your tires. You hate it, but still have to admire the spirit.

Plus, nobody deserves to learn humility more than the cocky Cowboys.

But this isn’t even about them. Why are you so obsessed with the Cowboys?

I like the Panthers here.

TITANS (-4) AT JAGUARS

Don’t be fooled by how bad the Titans looked in losing to the Jets. It’s hard, I know. We all saw it. They missed that field goal at the end on purpose because the only thing worse than losing to the Jets is a tie with the Jets. Ties in the NFL make everyone involved feel like this:

Even the NFL. Yeah, thanks for wasting everyone’s time.

The point is any team can have a bad day.

Which of course brings us to Jacksonville! They actually had their best day last week. And it still went bad. And that was before we found out about Urban (Meyer, not some other Urban) grinding someone in a nightclub.

The above cone of shame gif applies here as well, but my editor hates callback gifs. So just look again but think of horny Uncle Urban this time. I’ll wait.

(See? Even funnier the second time.)

Titans here. Don’t be fooled.

BROWNS (+1.5) AT CHARGERS

So SoFi stadium in LA has a roof. Also, there’s no weather in LA. And somehow the Chargers/Raiders game had a weather delay. It was so LA it felt like a parody. Imagine if the Chargers got struck by a lightning bolt while wearing helmets with a lightning bolt on them. In a city where there’s never any lightning bolts.

Plus the NFL cleared the players off the field for safety but told the fans to shelter in place. The NFL, we care!

The Chargers looked pretty good in the actual game. Shame on me for thinking the Raiders would keep being fun. Look at the cone of shame gif again but now think of me.

(See? Still funny.)

And the Browns kept their mojo going against Kirk Cousins (who I hear is dating his cousin). This is a great game. Both teams are better than they’ve been in a long time. And both are due for an agonizing loss, but they can’t both do it here.

They’ll both try though. Like a game of hot potato. But who’ll get stuck with the win?

I say Chargers. This time.

BEARS (+5.5) AT RAIDERS

Clearly, the Raiders were bothered by the lightning bolts. Which ones, I’m not sure. But they’ll play better this week. Unless actual bears cause a delay of game. I hear they’re easily spooked. The Raiders, I mean.

Justin Fields is getting there. Is his mother Mrs. Fields? Because if so that’s not fair. You don’t get to be an NFL QB and have the best cookies and baked goods.

Or Andy Dalton might be back. Is his father Timothy Dalton? Because if so that’s not fair. He was like the fifth-best James Bond.

He thought he was fourth-best. Now I just feel bad.

Raiders here.

49ERS (+5) AT CARDINALS

I’m starting to think Jimmy Garoppolo might not win that iron-man award for consecutive starts after all. And Trey Lance isn’t quite ready yet. If he was the Niners would have dropped Iron Man before they had to pay him another $700,000,000.00 to watch him slowly turn into a supervillain.

And then you’ve got Arizona. Gaining steam. With Kyler “Why Didn’t My Parents Just Name Me Something Normal Like Urban” Murray leading the way.

The Cards will stumble, but not against a team held together with Elmer’s Glue.

Cards continue the feel-good story for now.

GIANTS (+7) AT COWBOYS

Both New York teams got a medal this week! Go back and look at the Han Solo gif again. I guess I could add a different one where Luke gets his medal too. But Detroit wouldn’t be watching longingly in the background. I mean Chewie.

Oh, those Cowboys. If only they were cockier.

Then again, they are pretty good. Although as soon as I admitted that about Kirk Cousins he promptly put up a 7-point stinker and started dating his cousin.

The Giants are another dangerous bad team. Just ask the Patriots.

I like Dallas to win here, but I think the Giants cover.

BILLS (+2.5) AT CHIEFS

Oh yeah, this is the stuff. It’s about the best we could hope for as a follow-up to Belichick/Brady. Someone could put up 50 in this game. And lose.

The Bills appear to have the better defense at this point, but this is Patrick Mahomes. And the Chiefs feel like they’re just starting to hit their stride. Offensively anyway.

Buffalo also wants to avenge the loss in the AFC Championship game. And Avengers have their own cinematic universe (which in no way is the same movie every time).

Hey, is that Jimmy Garoppolo next to Hulk?

I’m going with the Chiefs at home.

COLTS (+7) AT RAVENS

Can we trust the Ravens yet? Just because they beat John Denver? When do they have to pay Death back for that 66-yard field goal in Detroit that cost Chewie a medal? They do at some point, right? You don’t just get freebies unless you beat him at Clue like Bill & Ted (careful, he cheats).

Then again, don’t get used to the Colts’ winning streak. It stops at one. Although it’s kind of a home game for both teams since Indy used to be the Baltimore Colts. I wonder if they still have fans there. Or anywhere.

I like the Ravens in a sleeper, but sooner or later they’ll dance with The Reaper.

And that’s a wrap on Week Five! Feels like I’ve done this before…

(Insert funny callback gif joke here just to annoy editor.)

As always, thanks for playing!

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