Or nightmares. But we’ll get to the Chargers later. I was 10-6 again against the spread last week (87-57-2 last ten weeks). Lucky for me gambling is one of those healthy addictions, like exercise. Or anything you get in an unmarked bag from a guy behind a 7-Eleven.
Speaking of bad dreams, the Bills’ pantsing of the Patriots will haunt Bill Belichick for a long while. Josh Allen turned into Thor and just threw magic hammers all day, there was no stopping him. Buffalo fans still cried, but this time not because they have to live in Buffalo.
The wrong-reason cry will return to Buffalo, don’t worry. It was just busy feasting on Charger fans out of habit.
Speaking of reasons to cry, let’s hit Week Seventeen!
EAGLES (-3.5) AT FOOTBALL TEAM
The less said about the Washington Stinkballers the better. I’ve seen sandwich meat put up a better fight. But enough about Matt Ryan.
The Eagles appear headed to the playoffs, despite not beating a good team all year. The Dolphins are attempting a similar feat. I’m sure it will work out well for both. Like when you fake your way into a job you have no idea how to do. Hey, look, I work for NASA. Oops.
I’ll take the Eagles here. Because no experience is necessary for this job. Like greeting people at Wal-Mart, or head coaching the Jets.
PANTHERS (+7.5) AT SAINTS
You know how you find a wet spot in the living room and you’re not sure if the dog peed or spit up? That wet spot is the Panthers. And you cringe because it’s bad no matter what.
In honor of fallen QB Jameis Winston, the Saints have continued to be an inconsistent mess all year. Much like 2021 in general. I think the girl who played Marcia on the Brady Bunch is 100% starting at QB this week. If she’s dead, that drops to only a 90% chance.
So yeah! I’ll take the Saints! Because the 2022 barrel is empty so far except for a pizza box and Urban Meyer.
BUCCANEERS (-13.5) AT JETS
Tom Brady has never liked the Jets. Then again, why would anyone admit it if they did? New York hasn’t made the playoffs since Sex and the City 2 came out.
Good teams plug in holes and keep rolling. Bad teams wonder what happened to 2010.
I’ll take the Bucs. Because I could have gone with Jonah Hex, but Sex and the City 2 is way more Jets. A totally unnecessary story about middle-aged women who stink at football.
DOLPHINS (+3) AT TITANS
The Titans only won that 49ers game because the Niners imploded and Jimmy G broke his thumb on his porn star girlfriend. I mean, a rough sack. I wouldn’t trust the Titans against a really good team.
But the Dolphins aren’t a really good team, they just pretend to be when no one’s looking. Like every Bears team since 1985.
I like the Titans here. Better team. Better ingredients. Papa John’s.
JAGUARS (+15.5) AT PATRIOTS
Look, the Bills just smoked the Pats using Josh Allen and a bunch of guys they found twerking at the gym. The Pats have fallen and they can’t get up, despite Belichick’s typical post-game remarks:
And yet the Pats are still favored over the Jags by 900 points (the line has since come down to 15.5). Oh, Jags. Do you see what happens when you can’t even beat the Jets? Trevor Lawrence is already doing Subway commercials and selling his hair for extra cash.
Pats are the pick. But it doesn’t end well for the emperor this season. His vaunted defense turned out to be Jar Jar Binks.
RAIDERS (+7.5) AT COLTS
This game could be more interesting than you think, Wentz or no Wentz. The Colts are good, but they’re slightly overrated. The Raiders aren’t good, but they’re slightly Nicholas Cage.
(Colts glancing around at each other nervously…)
Take the Raiders and the 7.5 points they get just for being crazy. Everyone underestimates crazy until they find out their ex-girlfriend is making a hair-doll.
CHIEFS (-4.5) AT BENGALS
This is a huge game for the Bengals. It’s their big chance to make a statement. If they win this one, people will finally take them seriously. If not…
So who am I picking? The gif is a hint. I call it “Bengals Make Wrong Statement.”
Chiefs here. Because I’ve been watching the Bengal and Bengal-er movie for a long time.
GIANTS (+6) AT BEARS
It’s the game I’ve been looking forward to so I can finish dying on the inside.
Actually, the Bears found a new way to make me throw up last week when they dusted off Nick Foles and he led a crazy comeback win, because of course he did. He’s the greatest 4th string QB in the history of the NFL. You know he was a Super Bowl MVP, right? As long as he’s not your starter, he’s unbeatable.
And now I have no choice but to pick the Bears. The heavily-favored Bears. Do you know what else sounds like a good idea? Seeing if my tongue will stick to a frozen pole.
FALCONS (+14.5) AT BILLS
The Falcons have seven wins and it feels like Matt Ryan is embarrassed about all of them. Which he should be. Does he really wanna go to the big dance? There’s still a pee stain in the crotch of his tuxedo pants.
The Bills are not going to blow these last two games. Not after Josh Allen claimed the AFC East last week with a depleted squad mostly made up of Fathead posters.
(Belichick peeling a Fathead off the ground after the game: “Hey, wait a minute…”)
Bills are the pick. Watch for Matt Ryan pretending he wants to win this game and meet Tom Brady again in the playoffs.
(Matt Ryan lowers head…)
TEXANS (+13) AT 49ERS
Honestly, the Texans were just trying to put Charger fans out of their misery early. It was an act of mercy. Like when Netflix cancels shows after one season because shows about women empowering one another always look better on paper.
Jimmy Garappolo has a mangled thumb, and you know what that means. His porn star girlfriend is gonna have to do all the work again.
It’s good to be Jimmy!
Niners are the pick. They can’t afford another setback. Like a thumb injury. Another one, I mean.
BRONCOS (+5.5) AT CHARGERS
Yeah. At one time or another, both these teams thought they were good. This game is lacking something now, isn’t it? Does it matter who wins? Did the Chargers really believe San Diego was the problem?
LA has to win this game now just to draw out the agony. They owe it to their fans.
Chargers are the pick. Because Charger fans live out Itchy and Scratchy cartoons every day of their lives.
RAMS (-3.5) AT RAVENS
Well, now I almost feel bad for the Ravens. But then I remind myself they beat the Lions on a 66-yard field goal that bounced off the crossbar. And even though no other outcome would have made sense, there can be no forgiveness for winning that game without covering the points.
The Rams are getting the job done, but not in an overly impressive fashion. Like Mayim Bialik as the new host of Jeopardy.
I gotta go Ravens here. Because they fight to the death. Like everyone on The Bachelor.
LIONS (+6.5) AT SEAHAWKS
I mean, only Pete Carroll collapses like that at home against the Bears. It’s so bad in Seattle, Russell Wilson pretended to be Nick Foles to get on Chicago’s plane. Luckily someone found Foles stuffed into a recycling bin near the airport. Police are still looking for a suspect.
I’ll take the Lions and the points. Because I can’t go with Pete Carroll again without throwing up. And my New Year’s resolution is to use the throw-up emoji less in 2022 since it’s pretty much been my go-to response to all incoming texts.
CARDINALS (+5.5) AT COWBOYS
It doesn’t get better for the Cards this week. Could be worse though. At least they got exposed early. The Cowboys are waiting for the playoffs to disappoint their fans when it’s much more painful.
We tried. We tried to make Kyler Murray a thing this year. But Kyler just doesn’t work as a first name, so now he’s Murray Murray. Or, if things get worse, Bill Murray.
Cowboys are the pick. Because at least Dak is a real name. Like Chewbacca.
VIKINGS (+6.5) AT PACKERS
At some point the Packers have to stop losing to the Vikings, right? It’s just not a good look. Like when people besides Josh Allen try to be Thor.
Where’s that throw-up emoji? It’s still 2021, right?
I’ll take the Packers. Because they’ll never know the pain of overpaying Kirk Cousins.
BROWNS (-3) AT STEELERS
The Steelers, down 30-0 against KC, got flagged for taunting after picking up a meaningless first down. Always the sign of a smart team. Making matters worse was the Steeler player’s chosen taunt, “Scoreboard!”
Yeah. So there’s that…
And in this corner, the Cleveland Browns!
Somehow neither of these teams has been eliminated yet. From existence.
I’ll go Browns here. It’s the battle for Ohio and Pittsburgh isn’t even in Ohio.
And that’s a wrap on Week Seventeen. Luckily they added an extra game this year to make sure no one is still standing for the playoffs!
As always, thanks for playing!
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