So I was 8-5-1 (thanks, Cleveland!) against the spread last week (67-45-2 last eight weeks). Meanwhile, the NFL’s Brady/Belichick Super Bowl storyline is fascinating to watch unfold. Whether or not we get that matchup remains to be seen, but the drama is getting tasty. Also, neither of those guys loses to the Bills, no matter how good the Bills are. They see Buffalo and do this:
The way Brady toyed with the Bills in the first half. Then, when they made an incredible comeback, he ripped their heart out and ate it in front of them with a nice Chianti. It’s rumored Gisele peed on the toilet seat at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo where wings were invented. I mean, it’s rumored now.
By the way, that was essentially the Super Bowl we would have gotten last year if Buffalo had beaten the Chiefs in the AFC Championship game. And the Bills wanted no part of that kind of agony on the Super Bowl stage. Even the Chiefs regret showing up.
Let’s get on with the fun. To Week Fifteen!
CHIEFS (-3) AT CHARGERS
Here we go! This is the kind of big game the Chargers are known for finding a painful way to lose. And they still might have a chance to one-up it in the playoffs. Fingers crossed!
I’m not saying the Chargers can’t win this game. I’m saying they won’t. But it should be fun watching them try.
Chiefs are the pick. They have that look again. The one that got them blown out in the Super Bowl last year.
RAIDERS (+3) AT BROWNS
The Browns clung to a narrow victory over a Ravens team so banged up that my dad was next on the depth chart at multiple positions. Not my real dad, of course, but my gypsy stepdad who stole me as a baby. It just makes you hate everything about Cleveland, except maybe the fake baseball team from Major League.
But the wheels have fallen off for the Raiders, who were last seen entering a bunker with a year’s supply of food and a barrel of crystal meth.
The Browns are the pick. But really they’re just picking later in the draft. Good times!
PATRIOTS (+2.5) AT COLTS
Huge test for both sides. Plus there is ancient hatred between them. Like when Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono play ping pong, as they are required to do twice a year per John Lennon’s final will. Which also calls for her to scream-sing every time he tries to compose music.
The Patriots are usually not good coming off a bye week, which never makes any sense. And they are due for a setback. And Carson Wentz can somehow still put weight on both legs this late in the season. All of this bodes well for the Colts.
And yet… I’m taking the Pats. Because I see patterns. I can even tell you which wall I’m gonna walk into when I get up at 2:37 am to pee. Hint: it’s not the soft wall.
COWBOYS (-10.5) AT GIANTS
The Cowboys are really good at acting like they’re better than they are.
The Giants, on the other hand, are really bad at it. But don’t feel bad for New Yorkers, at least they still have the Jets.
Does Dallas bumble their way into a close game here as they did with Washington? Perhaps. But don’t count on it. They will likely enter the playoffs flexing because of games like this one. Or because they won a game of Connect Four in the locker room.
Cowboys here. It was totally worth crippling their salary cap for someone named “Dak”, which is actually the sound pets make when they swallow hairballs.
TEXANS (+3) AT JAGUARS
Game of the week! The battle of the 2-11 juggernauts! The twin monsters!
If you know someone who plans on watching this game, please check on them because they’re not doing okay.
(I’m the one in the fancy hat. I’m the someone.)
The Jags have a coaching problem. It’s also not their only problem. Do the Texans even have a coach? Or are they like self-driving Teslas?
Gotta go Texans here. Because… I’ll get back to you on that. Really. You don’t want to keep digging under this rock. The 20th century Cubs are under there.
TITANS (-1.5) AT STEELERS
The Steelers are a trendy pick here. You know, because they do that weird thing where they briefly look attractive. Sort of like when a good-looking woman gets a bad haircut. You know she can look amazing, but then she sticks with that awful short job her friends tell her is so stunning because secretly all women are in a silent match to the death. Or ugly outfit.
Yeah, that’s the Steelers this year. A bad haircut they insist on keeping. Because they don’t want you to be happy.
The Titans aren’t much better though. They inspire no confidence. Like laundry detergent commercials that need Gronk for some reason.
I’ll take Pittsburgh. Because after commercials like this people started eating Tide Pods. Intentionally.
FOOTBALL TEAM (+4.5) AT EAGLES
Now I know why WFT sometimes goes by WTF. It was that first half against Dallas when they revealed their true character.
Also, they stink. You have to pay attention to how teams play in big games. If not, it’s on you. And good luck getting rid of that smell. It’s even worse than Kanye’s “Whatever It Takes” cologne. My dog got skunked three years ago and I still can’t get anyone to visit. At least I hope that’s the reason.
Never know what you’re gonna get from these schizophrenic Eagles. And that’s good enough for me against Washington!
Eagles here. But only out of utter disrespect for the Football Team. I hope they change their name soon. And I hope it rhymes with “sucks” to save me lots of time.
PANTHERS (+10.5) AT BILLS
Josh Allen was heroic in that Bucs game. He was about to step into legend territory with a comeback for the ages. But then in OT, he remembered he plays for the Bills. And then he saw Brady on the other sideline looking like this:
(Matt Ryan nods sadly.)
As for the Panthers, they’ve already been terminated. They’re like the first Sarah Connor who gets obliterated in her home just for having that name.
Bills here. Their season depends on it. Although to be fair, that’s never really been a good enough reason for Buffalo. Did I remind you ladies to look before sitting on the seats at the Anchor Bar women’s room?
JETS (+8.5) AT DOLPHINS
The Jets are even worse than the Panthers. The Jets are like Sarah Connor’s poor roommate who gets killed just trying to make a sandwich. They don’t even deserve a visual gag. Just go back and look at the skunk one again. That’s what they do to their fans, make them do the work just to get covered in Jet-stink. Work for your stink, Jets fans!
The Jets have like 11 first-round draft picks next year. They should just draft Alabama and just make them the new Jets.
The Dolphins haven’t played a good team in months. It’s a genius strategy. This could carry them as far as the AFC Championship game. Why haven’t other teams tried this?
Dolphins here. But are they any good?
No. No, they are not.
CARDINALS (-13.5) AT LIONS
That’s what I was afraid of with the Cards. Well, that plus having to keep coming up with new ways to make fun of the name Kyler (turns out a Kyler is just someone really good at being a Kyle).
Arizona played a bad game. At a bad time. And it went bad. Like the first person out on Survivor.
It’s all still gravy for the Lions, even if they lose by 50. Which they will.
Cards are the pick. But expect a similar fate for them on Survivor: NFC in January.
FALCONS (+9) AT 49ERS
Did anyone else notice Jimmy Garappolo pulling a Brady at the same time as Brady? Do you see how good this is all setting up for the playoffs? It’s not just me, right? Jimmy G is important to the Brady/Belichick saga, and to people who’ve seen his porn star girlfriend.
This post-season has a chance to play out like The Godfather. Except with more betrayal and death!
Why are the Falcons even here? The Falcons are like Sarah Connor’s roommate’s boyfriend who tries to stop a Terminator by hitting him with a lamp.
The Niners are the pick. I’ll make fun of Matt Ryan more later. Promise.
BENGALS (+1.5) AT BRONCOS
I’m struggling to tell these two teams apart. Both 7-6, both underwhelming, both thought orange was a good idea, both start with B and end with S…
Cincinnati is actually better. If you look real close, these terrible twins are more like the Arnold Schwarzenegger/Danny DeVito variety. The Bengals got all the good ingredients. The problem is, they’re the Bengals.
I’ll take the Bengals. Even though they don’t understand civilization yet and just found out their twin looks like The Penguin.
PACKERS (-4.5) AT RAVENS
I give the Ravens credit for being competitive. Their whole season has played out like the scene from Aliens when the marines get ambushed in the hive.
There are not many left standing in the end. And the ones that are kind of wish they were dead. (I think we just found our tagline for the 2021 Ravens Season Retrospective!)
The Packers have a grip on the #1 seed now, and they wanna make Tom Brady prove he can win a playoff game in Green Bay. Just like last year. Oh, wait.
The Packers are the pick. Did you know the G on their helmets doesn’t stand for Green Bay? It’s true. It stands for Gremlins 2: The New Batch.
SEAHAWKS (+4.5) AT RAMS
A pride game for Seattle, the Hufflepuff of the division. Does Pete Carroll have tenure with the Hawks as he does at Krusty College?
Here come the Rams! Putting it together at the right time? Hard to tell. They beat the Cards in Arizona, but the Cards didn’t play very well, so how do you really judge? It’s like trying to judge Miami after beating the Jets seven weeks in a row.
But the Rams should pound the Seahawks here. Matthew Stafford’s Dark Mirror plot to switch lives with Jared Goff is working to perfection.
Rams are the pick. Even though Ram legend Kurt Warner’s movie is being called American Underdog. Was Generic Football Long Shot Movie Title already taken?
SAINTS (+11) AT BUCCANEERS
Here’s what happens when Brady walks up to Saints QB Taysom Hill before the game:
Josh Allen (on crutches): “Just do what he says!”
The only question here is the points. But didn’t the Bucs just get a wake-up call? And how does it feel again to bet against Brady?
(Josh Allen lowers head sadly.)
I’ll take the Bucs. With a side order of Taysom fries, and a cup of Josh Allen’s life essence.
VIKINGS (-3.5) AT BEARS
The Vikings came as close as you can imagine to blowing a 29-0 late third-quarter lead against the Steelers on the final play. It’s like they completely ignored Matt Ryan’s self-help book about the 28-3 game titled “Don’t Let This Happen To You”. Here’s the cover art:
They say the diamonds contain 28% Matt Ryan tears. Matty Ice!
But this is about publicly shaming Minnesota. This is how you follow up a loss to the Lions??
You would have to be crazy to pick the Vikings anymore. I’ll take anyone else! Who are they playing this week again?
Son of a…
I’ll take the Vikings.
And that should get us through Week Fifteen!
As always, thanks for playing!