It’s not supposed to make sense. Like Tenet. I just keep moving back and forth through time until you listen to my picks. Just like in the movie.
I was 10-4 against the spread last week (59-40-1 last seven weeks). If you still don’t believe I’m from the future then you probably won’t believe the glow-stick in my car is a real flux capacitor either.
But how else do you explain me picking the Lions? The Vikings were so sure Detroit would blow it on the last play they just stood in the end zone and watched. Which, granted, normally would work. It’s in the defensive playbook next to “When the Lions have the ball, just stand there and laugh.”
I’m telling you. I’ve seen this movie before.
And now I have to get back to 1985, when the Patriots weren’t always in the Super Bowl. Oh, wait…
On to Week Fourteen!
STEELERS (+3) AT VIKINGS
The Steelers out-Ravened the Ravens. Because they should have lost but somehow won. Which is me at the blackjack table. Minus the somehow winning.
Ah, the Kirk Cousins-led Vikings. If only someone from the future had been warning you about this team all season. Oh, right.
When Pittsburgh tied with the Lions a few weeks ago, this was Minnesota:
Here’s Minnesota now:
Needless to say, there are no bragging rights in a matchup of the only two teams that couldn’t beat the (1-10-1) Lions. I’m not even sure how they can trash talk each other. Does “Let’s just get this over with” count?
I’ll take the Vikings. I mean, at least they had the decency not to tie.
COWBOYS (-5) AT FOOTBALL TEAM
The Washington Football Team has been rolling ever since I called them all seamstresses a month ago to motivate them. They even sent me a thank you note, but it was signed WTF instead of WFT. Come to think of it there was no “thank you” either. But what else could it mean?
Can they keep it up against an overrated Cowboy team? Ancient Alien theorists say yes!
Especially with five extra-terrestrial points. I’m going WTF here.
JAGUARS (+10) AT TITANS
Ten points seem like a lot. Keep in mind the Titans lost to the Jets AND Texans already this year. If they hit the trifecta with a loss to Jacksonville then Jim Henson’s Dark Crystal prophecy will come true.
The Titans do not wanna lose their essence. I know it seems fun at first, but then your eyes fog over and you lose all interest in porn. It’s a whole thing.
Don’t be fooled because the Jags just lost by 30 to the Rams. This one will be closer. Mathematically it almost has to be. But not close enough for me to pick them. Titans here.
SEAHAWKS (-7.5) AT TEXANS
Yeah, the Hawks managed to beat a sloppy 49ers team. Pete Carroll celebrated with his usual been there, done that routine.
Well done, Coach. You’re 4-8. But act like you just won a car on The Price Is Right.
It’s hard not to like his chances against the meat-like substance formerly known as the Texans, so we’ll probably get to see more girlish glee from Pete this week.
I’ll take Seattle. But it’s not really a choice, is it? There are only two options for dinner and one of them makes you throw up.
RAIDERS (+9.5) AT CHIEFS
The Chiefs are better than they were, but they still don’t look right. Like you after a rough night at Del Taco.
Still, it doesn’t look like anyone else in the AFC wants to stop them. Enter the Raiders, who are for sure morphing into Mad Max: Fury Road by the end of the season.
This could be the game that pushes them over the edge. The move to Vegas was the beginning of the end. Most people start grabbing spears and jumping off cars after two days there.
I like the Chiefs. Even though Patrick Mahomes may still be going through puberty, which explains why he always sounds like Kermit the Frog.
SAINTS (-6) AT JETS
Do people who attend Jets games admit it when people ask them about their weekend plans? And if they do, do people stop asking them about their weekend plans?
Tragically, this pic was taken in Week One.
It’s not much better for the Saints, who now long for their bipolar start to the season because at least there were some wins mixed in.
I can’t tell you who will win this game, because in the future no one wants to remember it (and by the future I mean Monday), but I can tell you how to make a paper bag hat.
It’ll be close enough to take the Jets and the points. Or my name’s not Bag-Head Schectman.
RAVENS (+2) AT BROWNS
Of all the bizarre near-death games the Ravens have survived, this was the one they had the best chance to win. And they lost. They had the perfect play called for that two-point conversion and juuuuust missed it. Instant karma.
It’s a familiar feeling for the Browns, although they never know what they did to deserve it. It’s not like they ever try to win.
I like Cleveland here. Because in the end it won’t matter. Which is when they’re at their best!
FALCONS (+3) AT PANTHERS
Did you know Matt Ryan has never beaten Tom Brady? Heck, this time Brady even started throwing touchdowns to Atlanta players just to keep things interesting. At halftime, he offered to QB both teams.
The Panthers are 2-7 in their last nine games. So, you know, clearly building momentum for a deep playoff run.
Can we do a Thanos thing where half the NFL teams just disappear?
Honestly, if we do it right most people won’t even notice. If we can’t get it done before this game I’ll take the Panthers.
LIONS (+8) AT BRONCOS
The Lions won a game! A crowning achievement!
With a win now AND a tie, they really have nothing left to prove. They play the season like a pass/fail college class. They’re all set. They might even rest some starters this week.
This means Denver should beat them like a drum. Even though the Broncos are terrible at football.
Broncos here. By about 70. Even the Lions who play will be hungover and have cigars in their mouths. Like Red Auerbach at every Celtics game for most of the 20th Century. Or Amy Schumer on a date.
GIANTS (+10) AT CHARGERS
Two teams heading in opposite directions will both arrive at the same destination: the couch on Super Bowl Sunday.
The Giants are just here for comic relief. They’ll be playing the part of Olaf.
The Chargers are still torturing their San Diego fan base (there isn’t one in LA) with flashes of never-to-be-realized potential. Which they’ve been doing since they had Dan Fouts.
San Diego also has the Padres. And they once had the Clippers. I’m not making things better, am I?
Chargers are the pick. Also, that fan post has been on Facebook since the team was in San Diego and it still only has the one “like”.
49ERS (+1) AT BENGALS
Yeah, that Seahawk game was a bad look for the Niners. Netflix execs have that look after anyone watches a Netflix Original.
It’s hard not using the cone of shame even more. I haven’t even mentioned the Bengals yet.
Did you know these two teams played twice in Super Bowls in the ’80s? (This would be a good time to use the cone of shame for the Bengals.)
I’m still going with Cincinnati here though.
It’s not the ’80s anymore. Even though it totally is. Kevin Hart and Jennifer Aniston were just part of some bizarro live TV performances of Diff’rent Strokes and The Facts Of Life. I know, it sounds like the least true thing I’ve said so far but Google it! It’s not the crack this time, I swear!
BILLS (+3) AT BUCCANEERS
Picture being the Bills. Brady finally leaves New England and Buffalo immediately makes it to the AFC Championship game… where Brady is somehow waiting for them in the Super Bowl if they dare show up (they didn’t).
Now, the Patriots are somehow good again and just beat the Bills at home (without throwing the ball) to crush their spirits. And Brady is still waiting in Tampa. He’s taken more Buffalo pelts than the Sioux Indians did.
And after that, the Bills get the Pats again. In New England.
Life is mean. Funny, but mean. Like comedians in rehab. Or everyone on Twitter.
Tampa Bay is the pick. Nothing to do with Brady’s 32-3 record against the Bills. Or that Buffalo-skin jacket made of former Bills he plans on wearing to the game.
BEARS (+12.5) AT PACKERS
Speaking of worn carcasses, have you seen Aaron Rodgers’ bearskin rug?
Don’t worry Bears fans, when I go back to 1985 it works out well for you. Until the Super Bowl Shuffle, that is.
You haven’t won since. That’s all I’m saying. Even they aren’t enjoying it, look at their faces. Was this mandatory?
Packers here. Say goodbye to your life essence, Chicago.
RAMS (+3) AT CARDINALS
Another great Monday night game? Isn’t it usually reserved for the likes of the Panthers and Jets? I mean, we’re a captive audience then. What are we gonna do, switch to CBS for Bob Hearts Abishola? Or worse, a Netflix Original?
I’m not ready to believe in the Cards.
But I’m even less ready to believe in the Rams.
So by process of elimination, I’m taking Arizona. I use this same logic to deduce what month we’re in.
That’s right. Always end on a strong joke.
And that’s a wrap on Week Fourteen! (Your future, my past. And future. Wait…)
As always, thanks for playing!
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