That’s right, winter is upon us, and only a chosen few will survive the onslaught. I was 9-6 against the spread last week (49-36-1 last six weeks), but you don’t need me. Those White Walkers seem friendly enough, you’ll be fine.
He can’t be killed by the way. Except by a little girl. Yeah. Have you noticed no one talks about Game of Thrones any more? If they made three more seasons of GOT we probably could’ve skipped COVID.
Speaking of dead things, the Lions lost on a last second field goal again. But this time they let it happen slowly, leaving no room for doubt. The great ones always know how to keep things fresh.
Full disclosure, I taught them that line dance.
Let’s get into Week 13 before I start demanding this clip play after every Lions game until they win a game.
COWBOYS (-4.5) AT SAINTS
It’s almost like the Cowboys aren’t quite as good as they think they are. Huh. They are America’s Team though. And like America, it’s been a long time since they won the big one.
(Scroll back up to the Detroit line dancers, they fit here too.)
The Saints just look like they don’t want to be here though. Like the dull, lifeless puppets you see on most work Zoom calls.
The Cowboys won’t have head coach Mike McCarthy this week. He’s like a mental anchor. Anchor’s away. That’s why I’m going with Dallas.
GIANTS (+5) AT DOLPHINS
I’m almost as excited about this matchup as Cookie Monster. If Grover farted on his cookies.
Did you know the Dolphins have won four in a row? Of course, you didn’t. No one does. They beat the Texans, Ravens, Jets, and Panthers. Even they aren’t bragging about it. Although they have reached out about learning Detroit’s line dance. Their current celebratory act really works best after a loss. See?
I like Miami to continue their run against the stellar competition here. There are 47 bad teams in the NFL and I’m not even sure how that’s mathematically possible.
COLTS (-9) AT TEXANS
The Colts are the most dangerous .500 team since those Giants teams that won Super Bowls. You just have to get hot at the right time and have the worst receiver on your roster make a game-changing catch with his helmet. The blueprint exists.
The Texans became the first bad team to lose to the Jets this year. Which can’t be good for anybody’s morale.
I don’t like picking all the favorites so far. That’s just what they want me to do. Well, that and the upside down thing the Dolphin mascot does. It’s harder than Dan Marino makes it look.
Colts win this one big. By whatever 11 touchdowns equal.
VIKINGS (-7) AT LIONS
If you still won’t listen to me about Kirk Cousins, I can’t help you. Nothing changes until you admit you have a problem. Like I did with porn. I’m totally cured now. It’s called immersion therapy, and it takes decades.
Look, he’s about the 23rd best quarterback in the NFL and that’s how he plays. I know you don’t like it, neither do I. How do you think he feels? But plan your investment strategy accordingly.
The Lions are actually good at covering. When you lose every game on a heartbreaking and utterly demoralizing last-second field goal, you usually cover.
I’ll take Detroit with the points. It worked out nicely on Thanksgiving. Better than my plan not to eat an entire lemon meringue pie. Now when I sneeze everything smells like Lemon Pledge.
EAGLES (-6.5) AT JETS
Did you know the Eagles and Jets are both the names of bands? It’s true. And either one is better to watch than these two football teams.
The Eagles are better than the Jets. At music and football. The Jets however may be better at making it real, if given one more chance.
I like Philly here. Also, the Eagles Greatest Hits Volume 1 is one of the best-selling albums of all time. Look it up. What do you mean by “no”? Did you come here to talk classic rock or not? This isn’t the game to start caring about football again.
CARDINALS (-7.5) AT BEARS
I wish I could get more excited about the Cardinals.
And then I look at the Bears and get more excited about the Cardinals.
The Cards are good, but I don’t think I trust them in the playoffs. We’ll see. Remember that time they went to the Super Bowl against Pittsburgh and gave up an impossible touchdown at the end of each half to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory?
Yeah, that. This team reminds me of that team. Because it is that team.
Close your eyes and imagine the Bears winning a football game. Not just this game, any game. You can’t. Cards here.
CHARGERS (+3) AT BENGALS
The Bengals are buyer beware. You’re so quick to take them back because they suddenly look hot again. It’s an abusive relationship. Remember when they cheated on you with a loss to the Jets? How about when they let the Browns destroy them while making you watch? You need a team that’s true to you. You wanna end up a Chargers fan?
Chargers fans are so abused they don’t even feel pain anymore. Just sadness. And shame. Deep shame. Like the kind where you pretend you’re crying about something else. Maybe a ten-minute Taylor Swift song. Or realizing who you had to sleep with to get your apparel line started. I really only know how one of those feels.
I’m taking LA and the points. The Chargers need it bad. Like that time I went too long without porn by writing this column.
BUCCANEERS (-11) AT FALCONS
Hey, Matt Ryan’s old pal Tom Brady is coming for another visit! They can talk about old times! “Hey Matt, remember that 28-3 game? So, how have you been? Seen Belichick lately?”
“Wait, come back! Do you want me to spot you a few points today? I can go up to 25.”
The problem here is the Bucs appalling disregard for the spreads this year. And how much will Brady toy with Ryan for fun? Will Matt have to tell people he’s actually crying about a Taylor Swift song?
I’m going Bucs. It feels like a woodshed game to me. And you know what happens in the woodshed. Yes, I’m thinking about Gisele also in there.
JAGUARS (+13) AT RAMS
I mean, at some number the points get tempting, right? It’s like when you’re on the fence about a hook up. After a certain number of beers you’re all in. But what’s the magic number? Does thirteen make the Jags look pretty?
It doesn’t. It makes me throw up a little in my mouth. I’ll take the Rams. They’ve lost three in a row and they’re not a horrible team. They must be pissed. And the Jaguars are the franchise punching bag you take hard feelings out on.
FOOTBALL TEAM (+2.5) AT RAIDERS
I’d like to take credit for Washington’s improved play of late. I’d like to but they had an extra point blocked and returned for 2 points by Seattle. That’s not how you do an extra point, boys. That nets out as 4 points. For a touchdown. One point more than a field goal.
Yeah, I’m afraid that forces a cone of shame callback. Especially because they almost blew the game after that.
But which Raider team shows up? The one with a respectable job and beautiful family? Or the one with a respectable job who eats the beautiful family?
I’ll go Raiders here. Because I think they’re just misunderstood. Like Bud Light Seltzer. I still don’t get it. And it was my idea.
RAVENS (-4) AT STEELERS
This used to be a good matchup between two good teams. But that was in the before times. Before the darkness. Before Oscar winner Helen Mirren agreed to host Harry Potter: Tournament of Houses.
The Ravens remind me of those Bears teams that would go 13-3 with a ton of fluky wins, only to meltdown in the playoffs when nothing fluky happened.
But the Steelers look like roadkill. And not the good kind that tastes pretty decent after 19 hours of hard-boiling.
I’ll take Pittsburgh and the points. Because sometimes, dead is better.
(Married people everywhere nodding…)
49ERS (-3.5) AT SEAHAWKS
The Niners have quietly turned things around, long after we assumed they were dead. Now they’re just kinda wandering around the NFL looking for brains to eat. Like Roger Goodell.
They won’t find any inside Pete Carroll’s head. Just a cereal box prize. But they should be able to feast on what’s left of the Seahawks.
Niners are the pick. Even as more of them stagger towards the hospital in accordion shapes. How do they not fire their trainers?
BRONCOS (+10) AT CHIEFS
Both these teams have a way of making you feel like the guy in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade who chose poorly.
Sure, the Chiefs think they’ve figured things out. But Skeleton Face thought he figured things out too, and look what happened to him. To be fair, asking the traitorous girl to pick for him probably wasn’t his best move.
But you have nothing to worry about by asking me to pick for you. I only look like that when the Jets win.
Take Denver and all those points. That’s it, drink from the cup…
PATRIOTS (+2.5) AT BILLS
This should be pretty good. Then again, I said that before I watched Red Notice on Netflix.
The Bills have more talent, The Pats have the better coach. I expect a good fight. Then again, I say that as my go-to toast at weddings.
I think this is where the Pats stumble a bit. I’m taking the Bills, but December in Buffalo has a lot to do with it. July in Miami has nothing to do with it. Unless you’re Robert Kraft and there’s a strip mall spa nearby. Drip drip like the plotline of Red Notice.
And that’s the book on Week Thirteen!
As always, thanks for playing!