It’s Thanksgiving! I’m thankful I was 10-5 against the spread last week (40-30-1 last six weeks). But just keep ignoring my wisdom. The way Detroit keeps ignoring the W column.
Still on the Titans bandwagon? Or maybe the Cowboys? Packers? The contenders are all almost as flawed as your next Tinder match.
I’d give out Turkey awards to deserving teams, but I don’t have think I have enough to go around. And frankly, it’s an insult to turkeys. What they did ever do to deserve their annual genocide, besides tasting like slightly more exciting chicken? Besides, they pay commissioner Roger Goodell $50 million a year just to look like one. And he’s really good at it. See?
I know. It’s not his good side.
Let’s hit Week Twelve!
BEARS (-3.5) AT LIONS
Well of course Turkey Day starts with the Lions. It’s named after them.
The Detroit game is always the one that tests just how much you really like watching football. Especially if you’re on the West Coast where you literally have to wake up early just to watch the Lions. To make matters worse, the Lions’ opponent this year is the Bears. So good luck coming up with an excuse to watch. It’s the NFL’s way of daring you to spend time with your family.
So you’ll talk to Aunt Judy and Grandma Betty about shirt patterns as long as you can stand it. And then you’ll sneak into the TV room with as much alcohol as you can carry without triggering an intervention.
So yeah. I’m going with the Lions. Because it’s their day! I’m also betting 1-2-3-4-5-6 on the Lotto. It’s crazy miracle day.
RAIDERS (+7) AT COWBOYS
This game would have been better if the Raiders hadn’t imploded the last few weeks. But the Cowboys are teetering on their own turkey legs right now, so imagine if they lose this one?
Who are we kidding? Even if Dallas loses they’ll still be cocky and unbearable. Like you after getting away with a fart during Thanksgiving dinner.
Do the Raiders have anything left? Besides gas? Probably not. But I like the points. Raiders here. Gun and criminal arrests could affect any Raiders game, so wait until 5 minutes before kickoff to hear for sirens.
BILLS (-4) AT SAINTS
This should be the best Thursday game, the nightcap. The Saints have been maddeningly inconsistent all year, and I can’t even blame Jameis “Win Some” Winston anymore because he’s been out hurt. He’s still on the roster though, which apparently is enough (hence the 5-5 record). They also just paid Taysom Hill either $100 or $100M dollars depending on what position he plays for them. I just assume everybody in New Orleans is drunk all the time because I always am when there.
The Bills need to win. They’re in danger of coming apart at the seams. And not in a good way.
I like the suddenly desperate Bills here. And not in a good way.
BUCCANEERS (-2.5) AT COLTS
Hopefully, your food coma wears off in time to catch this one. This should be fun. The Colts are all the rage after shredding the Bills by 500 points and the Bucs looked like themselves again in making the Giants look like the tiny kid in middle school you picked on even though you knew it was wrong because nature compelled you.
Aside from the bizarre INT that bounced straight up in the air off his receiver (for the second week in a row), Tom Brady has the eye of the tiger again. The one that makes opponents go like this:
Did you know Dolph Lundgren starred in Kindergarten Cop 2? This actually happened for real in 2016 while you were busy playing Pokemon Go.
Yeah. There’s a whole world going on you don’t even see.
Meanwhile, I picked the Colts over the Bills last week. I really did while you laughed and called me an Albanian bot farmer. But I’m still not buying the hype yet. Bucs are the pick.
JETS (+3) AT TEXANS
Just as compelling as Bucs/Colts, except not at all. In fact, the most interesting thing about this game is that both of them have beaten the Titans. Whoa, Tennessee, that’s toilet paper on your shoe bottom embarrassing.
Titan fans right now:
And right now the AFC goes through Tennessee! Daunting!
I like the Texans at home here. Or anywhere against the Jets. I like my little sister’s AYSO team against the Jets. What if Zach Wilson came back and nobody cared? We’re about to find out.
EAGLES (-3.5) AT GIANTS
The Eagles actually have a little life left in them. As for the Giants…
The weird thing is that this is how bad the Giants always are. And yet somehow they won two Super Bowls with Lesser Manning. That’s what we’re dealing with here. Like when a kid who eats Legos beats you at some game and you have to pretend you let him win.
I’m going Eagles here, in a move I’m sure to regret as much as eating three-day-old yams. Wait, what do you mean those weren’t yams?
PANTHERS (PICK) AT DOLPHINS
Did you ever see the movie Let’s Be Cops, where two fools pretend to be police officers? That’s what’s happening with these two teams. Carolina and Miami have the uniforms and pretend to play football, but they’re fake teams.
As is true in the movie, there are clues if you’re paying attention. The Dolphins’ 35-0 loss at home to the Bills, the Panthers’ 25-3 loss to the Giants. Or that scene where the “cops” take a domestic disturbance call…
I’m going with the Panthers. Panthers beat Dolphins on land because Dolphins literally suffocate to death. Look for a lot of that this weekend.
TITANS (+5.5) AT PATRIOTS
Big game. Conveniently on at the same time as Bucs/Colts so you can’t enjoy both. Thanks, Roger!
We needed a turkey callback, it’s Thanksgiving.
Look, I wasn’t a believer in the Titans even with Derrick Henry, who may or may not be coming back. Like Dolph Lundgren in Kindergarten Cop 3: Diaper’s Revenge. I mean, they’re good, but not Kindergarten Cop 2: This Really Happened good.
I love the Pats. BUT, they haven’t beaten a really good team yet. Possibly because there are none. But still.
Too much hype for both these teams right now. Gotta go with the Pats though. Thanksgiving literally came out of New England. Plymouth Rock is like ten minutes from Gillette Stadium. Next to Aaron Hernandez’s still undiscovered fifth victim.
STEELERS (+3.5) AT BENGALS
I don’t believe in the Bengals. Let’s just get that out of the way. And the Steelers are pesky, but terrible.
Normally I would predict the Steelers to rise up here. But these aren’t normal times. Yesterday the store was out of toilet paper. It was a tire store, but still.
Both teams are good then bad then good then bad. So… Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
I’m going with the Bengals. But it only makes sense upside down.
FALCONS (PICK) AT JAGUARS
Ah, another beauty! The Falcons showed signs of a pulse a couple times this season. But the shovels are out now.
(Incidentally, this is also the cover art for the Falcons 2021 season highlights DVD.)
The Jags never really had a pulse all year, even when they beat the Bills it stayed flat. There’s no medical term for it but doctors say it’s common with awful teams like the Jets. I mean Jags. There’s more than one right answer here.
I’m going with the Jags. Because I have a feeling. It’s a sickly, nauseous feeling. But when I try to pick Atlanta it gets worse.
CHARGERS (-2.5) AT BRONCOS
Did you see how the Chargers melted down and gave up like 57 fourth-quarter points (and the lead) to the Steelers? As if you needed another reason not to trust L.A. Even Spider-Man doesn’t trust L.A.
But this poor guy just turned out to be Matthew Stafford.
Denver is worse though. They arrested the whole Justice League after that horrible four-hour Zack Snyder director’s cut on HBO Max.
I like the Chargers in this one. They need to give their fans one last hope so they can dash it in December, their annual tradition.
RAMS (+1) AT PACKERS
Stafford made bail and promised to only dress up as Wonder Woman from now on, so he should be good to go for this game.
But Aaron Rodgers’ lesbian girlfriend sucked on his toes so hard he’s gimpy. Initially they accused backup QB Jordan Love, but he was cleared when they reviewed the game film of his one start against the Chiefs. He sucked, but not in that way.
Yeah, Green Bay lost to the Vikings. But the last time Rodgers got the ball he scored the tying touchdown in eight seconds. I can’t even start peeing that fast.
I’m going Packers. They are still the team to beat in a Kyler-less NFC.
VIKINGS (+3) AT 49ERS
Yeah, the Vikings beat Green Bay. But the last time Kirk “Kissing” Cousins got the ball he threw what should have been a game-losing INT. It got overturned on a review commissioned by his parents. Sure, he went on to lead a winning drive, and he wants you to forget about the near-pick. But you know who remembers?
There’s a reason the Vikings are seemingly in every game they play but still only 5-5. I’m going 49ers.
Yes, I know the Niners are also 5-5. What does that have to do with Jimmy G’s porn star girlfriend? Do you even hear yourself?
BROWNS (+4) AT RAVENS
The Browns are like one of those pets you have to keep checking on to see if they’re still breathing.
We should be saying the same thing about the Ravens, but they escape death so often they’ve been cast as the new James Bond.
I’m sure Baltimore will win on a hurricane-force-wind aided 75-yard field goal or something, but I’m taking the dead fish Browns and the points. That’s how bad it is. That’s what you’ve reduced me to.
SEAHAWKS (PICK) AT FOOTBALL TEAM
Speaking of dead fish, this one will be hard to watch. Pete Carroll I mean. The Seahawks need a reboot. Like every movie ever made apparently.
You thought we were done with the Dolph gag. Rookie mistake. Also, Seattle, Pete Carroll lives to be 237 and coaches for 190 more years. I’m pretty sure you still can’t trade in your seat license.
Washington has finally earned the right to be called a Football Team again. Unlike the Lions. But I’m gonna need to see more evidence before we can approve a new nickname. I still like Deadskins. The Foreskins is a close second, but the Jewish players insisted that choice was missing from their ballots.
I’m picking the Deadskins in this one. Because the less they lose, the more they don’t lose. Wait…
That’ll do for Week Twelve. Happy Thanksgiving!
As always, thanks for playing!