I went 6-0 against the spread in the Wild Card Round, which means unlike the Cowboys, I’m moving on!
Really, Wild Card Weekend just sorts out the teams that don’t belong, and it was kind of obvious who didn’t belong. Besides Matt Ryan.
I mean, poor guy got a big hat and everything. Gee, whiz. At least he didn’t go viral for sad crying at the game like that other woman. America’s Team!
All the losers went out with a whimper. Except the Raiders. Give them credit. They tricked us into thinking the other games might be fun too. Then the Patriots gave up 27 straight touchdowns, including one at the end on a kneel-down.
And that was just Saturday!
But now things should get more interesting. Like when you find one empty blackjack table and can’t figure out why until you lose the first ten hands to the grinning dealer/ninja named “Sheila”.
To the Divisional Round!
BENGALS (+3.5) AT TITANS
How come the Bengals keep getting the unloved early Saturday game? Oh, right, they’re the Bengals.
I like Joe Burrow. Cincy has a chance to change the franchise narrative here. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t always have to be this:
The Titans aren’t even that scary. They’re like Nickelodeon scary. Goosebumps or something. Most of them even look like Jack Black.
See? That’s just Mike Vrable with glasses and a bookshelf.
Titans are the pick. Because the Bengals in the AFC Championship game is something the world isn’t ready for yet. Like Hotel Transylvania: Transformania, or calling Kanye “Ye”.
49ERS (+6) AT PACKERS
I warned you about the Niners. And giving your credit card number to porn sites. They’re a relentless horde. So are the Niners.
Jimmy Garoppolo is trying to forge a most unlikely road to the Super Bowl, which goes through Aaron Rodgers, and then possibly Tom Brady. Jimmy’s dealing with a mangled thumb and a sprained shoulder, making him the healthiest he’s been in his career, so some good news there.
The Packers are rested and ready though, so I don’t think this ends well for San Fran. Green Bay is merciless, like a ten-minute Taylor Swift song that only makes you want to break up with her even more.
Plus the Packers always seem to get a touchdown in about eight seconds when they need one, so no lead is safe. You basically have to let the clock expire before attempting a go-ahead score. Like the Cowboys did against the Niners.
Packers are the pick. Because Patrick Stewart is from the future so he already knows who won. And who farted.
RAMS (+3) AT BUCCANEERS
Here’s a quick recap of what happened in the Rams/Cardinals game:
The Bucs/Eagles game was about the same, but less cartoony. Also, Brady’s team got banged up in the process. That’s a big problem. Like when we used to look at porn on the work computer thinking no one would ever know.
This is a tempting game to pick the Rams. When you catch Brady with some vulnerabilities like this, he’s a less lethal Terminator. You have a fighting chance. Like arguing with your wife when she’s asleep.
But even if you live, it’s still gonna be a rough night.
Bucs are the pick. Because Matthew Stafford has exactly one more playoff win than I do. And it was over a guy who spells Tyler with a K.
BILLS (+2.5) AT CHIEFS
Now this is a game worthy of Sunday night. Last year the Bills weren’t quite ready for this fight, but this year…
Josh Allen just demolished the Pats. How often does anyone make Bill Belichick look like this twice in a month?
Patrick Mahomes did the same to the Steelers. Not even remotely as impressive, but still, people were made to feel unbearable shame. Like everyone involved with Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City.
This game could go either way. Like Kristin Stewart when she angrily remembers how her parents raised her in a nice home.
Bills are the pick. I’ll give you three reasons. They’re hungrier, the points may come in handy, and I’m still looking at Kristin Stewart.
And that will do it for the pointlessly named Divisional Round!
As always, thanks for playing!