Well, the Divisional Round provided proof that we’ve slipped into an alternate reality. The Bengals won, Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady got bounced, and every game one-upped the prior game somehow, which seemed impossible each time. It was even more exciting than Celebrity Wheel of Fortune!
Nothing made sense, except Patrick Mahomes having 13 seconds to get a field goal and only needing 10. Against the Bills and their mighty #1 ranked defense, which tried using only cardboard cutouts for those last few drives. Ah, the chess game.
Bills Mafia took it well:
That’s the kind of loss that can ruin a franchise. Luckily, the Bills were already ruined, so maybe they’ll bounce right back like that armless knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
It was the best weekend of playoff football I’ve ever seen. The greedy NFL can pretty much get away with limitless evil now and we’ll still watch.
Which brings us to the Conference Championship games! Let’s do it!
BENGALS (+7) AT CHIEFS
The Bengals beat a Titans team that really was never very impressive to begin with. Like reality show contestant auditions.
Cincy is a likable underdog though. The last time they got to a Super Bowl was 1988, and the 49ers were waiting there to punch them in the face, which they do every time the Bengals reach the Super Bowl apparently.
(1981 Bengals lowering their heads.)
If Cincy somehow gets past the Chiefs, bet the house on the Niners over the Rams.
But how is anyone gonna beat the Chiefs? The Bills blew them to bits twice near the end. It was like the first Terminator. All the Chiefs had left was an arm.
But it was Patrick Mahomes’ arm, so, different ending. The Buffalo defense accidentally crushed the life out of Josh Allen by mistake. Oops.
I don’t see KC having such a close call this week. You don’t win in mythical fashion and then get farted on by the Bengals. No hard feelings.
Chiefs are the pick. Because the Bills were 13 seconds away from hosting the AFC Championship Game, and instead they’re hosting a game of Boggle at Cole Beasley’s house.
49ERS (+3.5) AT RAMS
The Rams were dealing with a wounded Tom Brady and they just kept playing with fire all day. Matt Ryan got PTSD just from watching.
Fortunately the Rams didn’t recently blow a big lead against their next opponent. Oh, right…
But it’s not like they haven’t beaten their next opponent in years. Oh, right…
Well, at least their next opponent didn’t beat them the one time they met in the NFC Championship game. Oh, right…
(1989 Rams lowering their heads.)
Great matchup for the Rams! For added spite, the Niners can prevent LA from playing the Super Bowl at home. Which would force the Rams to watch the Niners play the Super Bowl in their own stadium. And San Fran wouldn’t even be here if the Rams had just finished them off a few weeks ago.
If the Rams lose this game, it’ll feel like when Spock died. Or when Jar Jar didn’t.
I’ve been scared of the Niners for a while. Go on, look back at the last six or seven Schectman Reports and you’ll see. I’ll wait.
(Waiting…)
(Thinking about another Matt Ryan PTSD gag…)
Right? And there’s zero pressure on San Fran, they’re not even supposed be here. It just makes them so dangerous. Like getting out of bed in the 2020s.
The Rams are the pick. Because everything points in their favor, haven’t you been paying attention??
Unless Cincy wins the early game. Because a Rams/Bengals Super Bowl just sounds absurd. Like when the pentagon admitted UFO’s are real and so is Matt Ryan.
And that will do it for Championship Sunday!
As always, thanks for playing!
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