The NFL’s ‘What The F#@% Did I Just Watch’ Weekend

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Chandler Jones
Patriots QB Mac Jones questioning his life choices

I watched the NFL all weekend. Also, my wife apparently roofied me hard. All I know is whenever I looked in a mirror I saw this:

Right? Since when is my nose that orange? So I knew the whole weekend would seem like a fever dream. Except for when my dog melted into colorful geometric shapes. That totally happened.

Let me tell you what I obviously dreamed in my drug-induced delirium, just for shits and giggles.

First I thought I saw Colts QB Matt Ryan (yes, Matt “28-3” Ryan) recreating the most painful collapse of his professional career, only this time trying to find ways to make it even more historic somehow. Even Britney Spears was like, “What the fuck are you doing with your life, Matt?”

And poor Jeff Saturday was just trying to make people look smart for hiring him as the Colts interim Head Coach. At least now he has the credentials to coach the Falcons.

Then I could have sworn I saw the refs threaten a 15-yard penalty against the Bills because their fans were throwing snowballs at the Dolphins. To make matters worse, fans who farted at Miami players were only penalized 5 yards, and then offered a chance to be the next head coach of the Colts.

I think I passed out after that, because the next thing I remember the Detroit Lions were finishing a thrilling comeback win against… well, never mind that, the point is they were 1-6 and now suddenly alive in the playoff race at 7-7. It’s like the ending of “The Sixth Sense” when you find out Jared Goff hasn’t been dead the whole time.

Meanwhile somewhere else in Narnia, the Chiefs and Texans were in overtime. Which made about as much sense as a wardrobe that has a magical forest right behind the winter coats where the talking lions all sound like Liam Neeson for some reason. That’s right, Liam Neeson is a Lions fan!

At the same time in the multiverse, the Cowboys were in overtime against the Jaguars. Well, until Dak Prescott threw a pick-six that gave Jacksonville the win. Actually, this part didn’t seem strange. Until Benedict Cumberbatch showed up to confirm.

He went on to tell me that in every universe he’s been to the Cowboys don’t win the Super Bowl. Even in the universe where every team is the Cowboys.

That’s when I turned to the Patriots/Raiders game and the meth kicked in. Suddenly, on the last play of a TIE game, it looked like the Patriots went insane. Like bat-shit crazy. Eating imaginary cookies crazy.

New England had the ball near mid-field. There was like a twenty-yard run, then a lateral, then someone was running the wrong way and threw the ball across the field to Raiders linebacker Chandler Jones, because, I guess, he was a Patriot 10 years ago before they traded him instead of paying him?

Weren’t the Pats up 7 a few seconds ago? Wasn’t this game over? Is Bill Belichick calling plays with Chat GPT?

Then, get this, I saw Mac Jones try to take down Chandler Jones, while Indiana Jones apologized for “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” Poor Mac looked like a gingerbread man out there. It was like watching a Christmas sweater have to make a game-saving tackle.

Last thing I remember was seeing the ghost girl from “The Ring” crawl over to the Patriots’ dynasty and whisper, “Seven days…”

The lesson, as usual, don’t fuck around with magic mushrooms. Or accept food items from your spouse.

Imagine if all that stuff really happened.

As always, thanks for playing!

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