The NFL’s ‘It’s Just A Flesh Wound’ Awards, With Your Host, Matt Ryan

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Matt Ryan, Awards Host
Matt Ryan, Awards Host

In honor of the NFL’s teams and players that have shamed themselves and their families so far, and in honor of an old Monty Python bit that for some reason never stopped being funny even though it was kind of overrated, I give you the “It’s Just A Flesh Wound” Awards!

And yes, there are real trophies for this. You think I would make this up?

Everyone dreams of taking home the cut off foot. And the hand that looks like five golden penises.

See? We’re having fun already!

WINNER (AND HOST): MATT RYAN

Ah, Matty Ice. We’ll always have 28-3. It’s always a good sign when you join a new team and everyone regrets everything instantly.

(Russell Wilson laughing awkwardly, avoiding eye contact.)

Poor Matt. He got the “It’s not you, it’s us” speech from the Colts. And then was permanently replaced by Sam Ehlinger, who is totally a real life quarterback and not just some guy they found in the parking lot.

WINNER: THE 3-4 GREEN BAY PACKERS

When you lose like that to the Commanders, the trophy is just a golden ass. And yes, it’s shaped like Bill Murray.

Aaron Rodgers just looks like a guy who stayed in Green Bay for the wrong reasons. Like winter, spring, summer and fall.

Packer fever, it’s even better than gonorrhea!

WINNER: THE 3-4 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

It’s not the loss to the lowly Panthers. Or Steelers. Or Packers. I mean, anything can happen on any given day.

Well, he is the host.

It’s just that the Bucs look horrible. Like E.T. after a couple beers.

Why didn’t Elliott get sick too? He got hammered in class like a champ. Did he often go to school drunk? I mean, Mom of the Year there didn’t even notice a blobby alien living in her house, what else did she miss? Did anyone think to call child services? The school principal was actually played by Harrison Ford, but his scene got cut. So there’s that.

WINNERS: MAC JONES AND BAILEY ZAPPE

Patriot fans in the first quarter:

Patriot fans in the fourth quarter:

You know what they say, if you have two quarterbacks, you don’t have one. But it’s also true with women. If they’re quarterbacks. Also, no one says that.

The Pats just stink.

WINNERS: THE COMBINED 6-7 RAMS AND 49ERS

You’re both losing the division to Geno Smith and the Seahawks. The Seattle Seahawks! That team is coached by Pete Carroll, who still writes letters to The Great Pumpkin.

San Francisco should be embarrassed. Los Angeles should be embarrassed. And this guy should be embarrassed:

It’s when the shoes go flying for me. That’s where the great ones separate themselves.

That’s it for the awards for now. We’d like to thank Matt Ryan again for hosting, so we stole his car.

As always, thanks for playing!

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