The NFL Playoffs: Who’s Screwed And Other Loose Ends

Patrick Mahomes
Patrick Mahomes, frog-voiced assassin

The 2022 NFL Playoff table is set!

For the most part, everyone got what they deserved. Like when someone farts at a dinner party.

But this doesn’t mean a lot of weird shit didn’t go down, and plenty of people got screwed. Or screwed themselves. Or were the Lions. Detroit feels like the one team that should have made the playoffs and didn’t. They were doomed by horrible officiating in somebody else’s game. Which is actually a very Lions way to get screwed.

Shoutout to the Packers’ Quay Walker, who shoved a member of the Detroit training staff as he tried to get to an injured Lion. It paired well with all the “Pray for Damar” t-shirts in the crowd. After promptly being ejected, Walker was spotted kicking puppies on his way to the locker room while stealing an old woman’s teeth.

The Giants and the Vikings will play each other in the Joker match of the Wild Card round. Does it matter who wins? Is the winner going any farther than that? Shouldn’t there be a way both of these teams can lose this game? This whole first round exists to weed out the teams that shouldn’t be there. Like last year when the Patriots went to Buffalo and somehow gave up a touchdown every time the Bills touched the ball. Way to go!

No one knows (or cares) what the Ravens are doing. No one’s even seen Lamar Jackson in weeks, and I’m not sure anyone’s looking. I think he opened a discount furniture store with Jeff Saturday, who finished campaigning for the Indianapolis head coaching job by losing 7 in a row, often in historic fashion. Clearly the Colts will have stiff competition for his services.

The Chargers were finally trending in the right direction, until coach Brandon Staley decided to play his starters in a meaningless game and more of them got hurt. In fairness, this is the Chargers. If those players were resting on the sidelines they would have probably been struck by lightning. Or had their knees capped by Tonya Harding.

See? Crazy shit happened before 2020, you just don’t remember. Hell, in 1972 two New York Yankee players literally swapped families. And no one cared! That’s how fucked up the ’70s were. It was pretty great.

Speaking of crazy shit, Tom Brady just had his first-ever (ever?!) losing season in the NFL. Yet there he is, lurking in the playoffs, wounded, written-off, left for dead. But still dangerous. What will the Cowboys do when they take the field in Tampa and Brady looks at them like the monster in “Smile?”

The Falcons still have a support group for 28-3 survivors. Matt Ryan never misses a meeting.

It’s also usually just him, but at least he brings snacks. And bath salts.

All this to say I’m having doubts about the NFL inviting almost half the teams into the playoffs. The last thing rich people want is to make more money, so we know it’s not about that. But still, it kind of feels like pretty soon every team will get in except the Lions.

Wild Card Weekend, baby! Let’s do this!

As always, thanks for playing!

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