The NFL Playoffs: Don’t Be Surprised By The Lack Of Surprises

Joe Burrow
Joe Burrow, already almost as good as he thinks he is

And then there were four! The NFL’s final four (Eagles, Chiefs, Bengals, 49ers) are clearly the best in the field. So far these playoffs have been about as exciting as choosing between left and right Twix. The closest thing to a surprise we had was when the Jaguars came back from 27-0 to beat the Chargers. But even that wasn’t a surprise to anyone familiar with the Chargers.

Was it a shock that a Bills team that had to squeak past the Dolphins was humbled by the Bengals? It was not. Was it unthinkable that Dak Prescott (the other Kirk Cousins) came up small in a big game? Or that the two well-rested #1 seeds easily slapped away two teams that had no business being there? “The Brady Bunch” had better twists and turns.

The Eagles are good. For real good, not like Cowboys good, or only-hot-in-the-dark-club stripper good. Jalen Hurts is legit, and they are solid all around. They just haven’t played a top tier team all season. That changes Sunday. And I expect them to get spanked Foghorn Leghorn-style.

Because the 49ers are really, really good. I like Brock Purdy, but when you can pretty much plug in anybody at quarterback and keep rolling, you have a very good team. Just surround your unsung hero with serious talent. Movies do this all the time, and it never fails. And by never I mean all the time. Ask Matthias Schoenaerts.

It works better in football.

On the other side, the Chiefs have been impressive. Just as long as they don’t have to play the Bengals, who always seem to beat them. Oh…right. Well, as long as Patrick Mahomes is 100%. Oh…right. Well, as long as they don’t have to bank on Matthias Schoenaerts.

At least the Chiefs haven’t been charged with manslaughter.

The Bengals have all the mojo right now. Joe Burrow is cockier than Fat Bastard at a dinner party.

I mean, Cincy just made Buffalo look like crap. In Buffalo. With Damar Hamlin watching. The guy literally came back from the dead, who knows what magical powers he has now? He could be Spider Man. Or Gandalf, telling Josh Allen when to run the ball.

If you’re looking for a surprise, you might have to settle for a Niners/Bengals Super Bowl. But even that already happened twice in the ’80s. Like “Airplane” and “Airplane II: The Sequel.”

Cincy blew the sequel too.

The important thing to remember is that the NFL totally wasted our time with the first two rounds of this year’s playoffs. And we loved it. Please add an 8th seed next year so even more horrible teams get in. We’ll watch. We’re football whores.

Also, Matthias Schoenaerts has been in like 60 movies you’ve never heard of. So, there’s that.

As always, thanks for playing!

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