The NFC Team That Should Scare The Piss Out Of The Eagles and Cowboys

Jalen Hurts
Eagles QB Jalen Hurts realizing he hasn't played anyone good yet

I know, I know, any team should scare the piss out of the Cowboys. They almost lost to the Texans, which is like almost having sex with the bathtub lady in “The Shining.”

Dallas is in Jacksonville this week, and Dak Prescott already requested room 237 at the team hotel. Also, how come Mr. Hallorann’s shining didn’t warn him about the whole axe to the chest thing? Isn’t that like Shining 101? Was it faulty shining or did Hallorann just really suck at it?

As for the Eagles, they beat the stuffing out of the Giants, a team that for some reason people pretended was good for half the season. Daniel Jones is easier to expose than Donald Duck, and he doesn’t even wear pants.

This week the Eagles play the 3-10 Bears. Honestly, Philly has the easiest schedule I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Chris Tucker’s schedule that starts and ends with “Rush Hour” movies.

The Cowboys and Eagles being the current kings of the NFC tells you everything you need to know about the NFC. But the Rams, Packers, and Buccaneers all imploded for one reason or another, so here we are, back to snorting buckets of coke off strippers.

There is a team, however, that’s poised to dethrone these pretenders. That’s right, it’s the red-hot Detroit Lions!

Just kidding. They’re the Lions, they still suck ass.

The best part is those gifs look like every Lions coach ever. Only happier.

No, the real threat in the NFC is the San Francisco 49ers. You know a team is good when they can plug in any quarterback except Trey Lance (their first choice) and keep rolling. Like the 2000 Ravens. That’s how Trent Dilfer became famous. Well, that and going viral for screaming at some high school kid for not using deodorant.

The Niners are going with Brock Purdy at QB. And yes, his parents named him Brock so his only options in life would be football or puppeteering. He’s lucky, they almost went with D’Brickashaw. Which was almost my name too!

His arm is bigger than my torso. It’s like looking at Black Thanos. It was either the NFL or the MCU for this guy. He weighed 44 pounds at birth and tackled a nurse.

Look, maybe the Niners get Jimmy Garoppolo and/or Deebo Samuel back from their injuries, maybe not. They might not need either to win the NFC. They’re that good. They’re almost as good as the 1979 Coney Island Warriors.

But those warriors didn’t get the shit beat out of them by Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs 7 weeks ago, so, we’ll just say the Niners are NFC-good for now.

Also, I’m changing my name to D’Brickashaw.

As always, thanks for playing!

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