It really wasn’t the holding penalty, even though it never should have been called. Eagles Head Coach Nick Sirianni was right to dismiss the notion that the game was won or lost on that particular fuckery. But make no mistake, fuckery was afoot!
Yes, the Eagles were left with their organs removed like your typical Jack the Ripper victim. But to solve this crime, we have to search for clues. They were everywhere. Like UFO’s apparently.
Can we go back to Murder Hornets? Who else misses 2020?
Your first clue was that creampuff schedule the Eagles had all year. Sure, they looked good at first glance. So did that stripper. Until the sun came up and she turned into a soggy hagfish.
Then came the playoffs for Philly. Bye, Jaguars, and a 49ers team whose quarterbacks all fared about as well as the residents of “Sleepy Hollow.” Four murders??
Actually, five. The widow Winship was with child. Because everything about that town screams “family friendly.” But the schools are top notch.
The best evidence of Philly’s impending doom came in the days leading up to the Super Bowl. But you could only see it with a secret decoder prize ring from a box of Lucky Charms. Or those special sunglasses from “They Live.”
It was the subliminal (and sometimes just plain liminal) messaging to bet on the Eagles. Philly was favored, the Chiefs were banged up, Patrick Mahomes was down to one testicle, all that nonsense. Well, except the testicle thing, which would explain why he sounds like Kermit The Frog.
Even the infamous Madden simulator picked the Eagles, which somehow made the news even during an alien invasion. This. This is why the E.T.’s have already won.
Even through the first half of the game, they were STILL pushing you to throw money at the Eagles. Chiefs down 10, Mahomes hobbling off like he spent the night with Kathy Bates at Stephen King’s house.
If you haven’t seen the movie, that’s what she does to the poor guy when he asks if she at least has Netflix.
Yes, the officials picked an odd time throw a flag for a level of holding that happens on both sides on every play, but the Eagles would have lost anyway. We just got robbed of a better ending. Like preview audiences who saw the original ending of “The Shawshank Redemption” where Andy gets caught and goes back to two-a-day prison rapes.
Aaaaand, scene!
Yeah. It tested poorly everywhere except Florida.
The real tragedy is that the Eagles are actually pretty darn good. And shockingly likable. Jalen Hurts is legit, and they could have won. But alas, they were disemboweled by the last evil conglomerate anyone would suspect…
Vegas, baby!
As always, thanks for playing!
