Alabama: Bud Light
You don’t need to guess whether or not people are Bud Light drinkers or Alabama fans, because they’ll tell you within 15 minutes of meeting them. People take on this beer and this school as a personality. They will yell out “dilly dilly” or “Roll Tide” at just about any occasion: games, parties, work meetings, funerals, bar/bat mitzvahs, etc.. Which makes them also one of the most annoying populations on earth. But, I got to give it to y’all for embodying two of the most solid brands in the country.
Auburn: Coors Light
Americans are obsessed with putting people into categories: introverts vs. extroverts, conservatives vs. liberals, team Edward vs. team Jacob, etc.. But, there are really only two types of people in America: those who drink Bud Light and those who drink Coors Light. If we want to go by region though, there are only two types of people in the Southeast: Auburn fans and Alabama fans. Even if you don’t personally identify with either school, you will still inevitably find yourself rooting for or against them on Saturdays.
Coors Light/Auburn fans are a little more humble than Bud Light/Alabama fans. Coors Light/Auburn fans are more humble. They know that they are backing solid products. They just don’t feel the need to scream it in your face.
Georgia: Budweiser
Georgia fans are products of generational grooming. Even if they didn’t attend the school, their father, and their father’s father, and their father’s father’s father did. And what do you think their father’s father’s father was drinking at tailgates? Budweiser. Yeah, there are multiple other beer options now, but Budweiser drinkers are as loyal to their beer as Georgia fans are to their team. They are both southern classics.
LSU: Miller Light
Unless you grew up in a Miller Light household, you probably opt for other other beers. Same goes for LSU. LSU fans are kind of only relevant to each other. Don’t get me wrong—LSU is a solid team, and Miller Light is a solid beer. On the occasion when I choose to drink Miller Light, I usually think “Oh, damn. I forgot how good this is.” On the occasion when I choose to watch an LSU game over others, I usually think “Oh, damn. I forgot how good this team is.” Consider this my formal apology to all the LSU and Miller Light fans for not giving your cause enough credit.
Florida: Colt 45
Florida fans leave the class at the door come football season. Anything goes from overalls with no undershirt to live alligators at a tailgate. I can’t think of anything else that pairs better with the Florida fans’ way of life than a 45oz glass bottle of watered down beer. Florida fans are the human embodiment of Colt 45—tailgate with them, and you’ll probably wake up in a swamp wearing a bandana as underwear. But what did you expect? A classy buzz and quiet, family fun? Mentally prepare yourself before throwing back some Colt 45 and tailgating with Florida fans.
Morgan Williams is a freelance humor writer based in Atlanta.
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