After 14 seasons, Matt Ryan is no longer an Atlanta Falcon.
Things got a little awkward when the Falcons jumped into the Deshaun Watson sweepstakes, huh? They didn’t get him (because the Browns panicked and offered him a trillion dollars in gemstones and Dogecoin), but you can’t go back to your wife after trying to run away with a hot cheerleader, who then ditches you at the airport.
This was just what Real Housewife of Atlanta Matty Ice wanted though. As soon as Tom Brady un-retired with a “28-3” text to Matt’s phone, Ryan wanted to get as far from the NFC South as humanly possible. Here he is telling the cast of Family Guy that leaving the Falcons is totally not because he’s terrified of Brady:
So, Matty McNugget is moving his family to Indianapolis to play for the Colts. In the AFC. For fun, let’s look at what he’s chosen as a preferable fate.
THE AFC IS MURDER
There are at least 8 loaded teams in the AFC, with quarterbacks like Patrick Mahomes, Josh Allen, Joe Burrow, Russell Wilson, Justin Herbert, Lamar Jackson, and Deshaun Watson. This is somehow better than the barren NFC, where Brady has run almost everyone out of town? And where Aaron Rodgers just lost his #1 weapon Davante Adams (because it turns out there are consequences to giving your QB about 98% of your cap money)?
The Colts are decent too, and half of that division is Houston and Jacksonville, which is like getting to play the Jets four times a year. So maybe that’s what appeals to Ryan. Besides the thrill of living in Indiana.
But the Titans are still a problem. And the Colts don’t win in Jacksonville. It’s an unspoken rule. Like not murdering someone twice.
SAN FRANCISCO WAS TOO OBVIOUS
The 49ers would give Ryan his best chance at slaying the never-ending nightmare that is Tom Brady. And on top of that, it happens to be Brady’s childhood team. The one he still pines for like a little schoolgirl.
Did you even call the Niners, Matt? This was your red and golden chance to change the narrative, to be the hero. Songs would be written about you, songs without “chicken from Family Guy” in the lyrics.
It was right there, Matt. Carpe diem.
Or as you would say, “Bok bok.”
THE SCHEDULE IS A GAUNTLET
The actual schedule isn’t out yet, but we know all the teams the Colts will play next season. It includes the entire AFC West, which is like fighting the Avengers one at a time. Yeah, the Raiders are Hawkeye, but still.
Throw in the Titans twice. Also, the Cowboys, who are always dangerous in the regular season when they still think they’re good. Plus the Eagles, who are like the Tinder date who seemed normal online, but when you meet is visibly psychotic.
Oh, and the Colts get to visit New England too. Bill Belichick remembers 28-3. So will those Patriots fans, who already hate Indianapolis thanks to the whole DeflateGate thing. You remember that, Matt. They suspended Brady for four games and he took it out on you in the Super Bowl.
THE PATH STILL GOES THROUGH BRADY
Yes, Matt, you have successfully dodged two regular-season beatings at the hands of your tormentor. And if never having to face off against Brady again is your goal, this might do it. It’s important to have goals. Like when Cookie Monster cut out sugar.
Making the playoffs in the AFC will be a lot harder than in the NFC, so you have that going for you. But what if you somehow survive Death Row and actually make it to the Super Bowl? Guess who will likely be waiting for you there?
But don’t worry. You’ll have the chance to keep ducking him somewhere along the way. A costly loss in Jacksonville perhaps? If all else fails you can always say you got injured in a cartoon fight with Peter Griffin over an expired coupon.
This definitely ends well for Matt Ryan.
As always, thanks for playing!