Of course, Tom Brady came back. I told you he was going to a few weeks ago, but you thought I’d just gotten into the model airplane glue again.
I was a little surprised he came back to Tampa, but that was only because I fell for the media narrative that he was pissed at coach Bruce Arians. Because frankly, he should be. But ultimately Brady just needed a few weeks to get over the disappointment of not quite being able to get it done with his crippled squad.
Do you think Brady’s Bucs teammates haven’t been texting him the last few weeks? They know the season they were facing without the GOAT. Brady’s phone has been blowing up with desperate pleas from the team.
They have a brutal schedule next season, and there was a, let’s say “sizable” drop-off in quarterback play coming from whoever would have won the church raffle to replace him.
But the best part is how Brady gave the middle finger to sports media by dropping his announcement via social media right as March Madness Selection Sunday coverage began. That was no accident. All the outlets were suddenly scrambling for coverage, having been pantsed by the GOAT at the worst possible time.
Why? Remember when certain members of the media stole Brady’s retirement thunder by leaking the news before he had a chance to make his own announcement? Yeah, that. Probably shouldn’t do that.
Meanwhile, the league has basically been daring him to un-retire with every transaction. Just look at it from his perspective (and spend only an appropriate amount of time realizing your wife is Giselle).
(We good? Okay, moving on!)
THE NFC IS A WASTELAND
The Rams and the Packers. That’s it. That’s your competition for the NFC crown. Also, you just erased a 27-3 deficit and nearly beat the Rams with a depleted offense held together by sticky rice.
As for Green Bay, the last time you saw Aaron Rodgers was in the 2020 NFC Championship game. You got the W. That was after knocking Drew Brees into retirement the week before.
Meanwhile, the AFC is loaded. But last time you saw Patrick Mahomes you crushed his spirit in Super Bowl LV. Ditto for Josh Allen when you saw him in December, in what felt like a playoff game (when you ate his heart like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg).
Who else they got?
Basically, if there’s any chance the Bills make it to the Super Bowl, you must be there to welcome them. With your carving knife.
Poor Buffalo. They think this year ended badly.
So, Rodgers is the MVP, huh? So One-Ring Rodgers is the new Sheriff? And he’s getting how much on a new 4-year deal to own the NFC? Hell, without you in the picture even Kirk Cousins got a raise (the Vikings can afford the cap hit under the Mediocrity Rewarded provision).
You have ideas about all that.
Besides, someone had to do something to wipe that smirk off Rodgers’ face. How long were you supposed to just sit there watching as Bruce Wayne?
THE 49ERS BLEW IT…AGAIN
You left the door open for the Niners a second time, and they STILL didn’t come around. Now, you have to punish them again.
The moment you retired, Niners GM John Lynch should have been at your door with the fanciest merlot from Drew Bledsoe’s winery. And he should have been wearing knee pads.
(John Lynch eyes Trey Lance, makes sad Krusty the Clown sigh.)
San Francisco won’t be winning a chip on your watch.
THE BUCS ARE HIGHLY MOTIVATED
Sure, everyone’s focusing on all the free agents that may be departing Tampa Bay. Okay. What about all the players coming back? How happy are they??? Do you think they won’t be giving 1000% for YOU? And who knows who else will join the party now? Center (and human meat grinder) Ryan Jensen re-signed about nine seconds after your announcement.
Remember, you are coming back from the Great Beyond simply to strike more fear into the living.
You’re the best to ever play the game. And still at the top of your game. You don’t even need a head!
Key injuries are the only reason you don’t have about 14 rings instead of 7. If your squad is healthy enough come playoff time, it’s over.
(Now stop looking at it from Brady’s perspective. I know you only thought about Giselle the whole time.)
Here’s a live look at Matt Ryan’s reaction to the news:
Coincidentally that’s also the reaction of the fan who just paid $500k for TB12’s “last” touchdown ball.
(Fan eyes ball, makes sad Krusty the Clown sigh.)
When Brady says he has “unfinished business,” he means it. And it’s not just the rings. It’s making a lot of people very, very sorry. Like Wheel of Fortune “feather in your map” sorry.
That’ll teach us to move on without him. Even though he said he was leaving.
He was never leaving. He was just mad.
God help us.
As always, thanks for playing!