Schectman Offseason: Early NFL Predictions of Doom

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Schectman Offseason: Early NFL Predictions of Doom

We’re not even at the draft yet, but free agency has already set the table for the 2022 season. Sure, there are pieces left to fall into place, but we already know where this is going. Like being 5 minutes into a Fast and Furious movie.

Yes, right now 30 teams (not sorry Jets and Lions) are all dreaming of big things next season. This is the time for optimism. And no one is more optimistic than me. Except for C-3PO.

The draft, mini-camps, pre-season, all the various things the endless NFL news cycle will throw out to keep you from smoking crack, it’s all just noise. If you’ve been paying attention, you know what to expect. Not that there won’t be surprises. Remember how Arizona started 7-0 last year and everyone thought it meant something?

So with all that in mind, let me break out my crystal ball. Which is totally not just a Magic 8-ball I grabbed from my son’s room.

THE PACKERS WILL PACK IT IN

Signs point to yes! Er, I mean, the loss of Davante Adams is like when Steve Guttenberg left his franchise after Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. It didn’t get better for anyone.

Get ready for Green Bay to look like Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach this year. Still hilarious, sure, but you’re all too aware of what’s missing.

Besides comedy.

THE CHIEFS WILL TAKE IT ON THE CHIN

It is certain!

Stop me if you’ve heard this one (in Guttenberg terms). The contending team gives way too much money to superstar quarterback and can no longer afford superstar wide receiver. Patrick Mahomes is amazing, but he’ll be feeling the loss of Tyreek Hill.

Amazon.com: Police Academy 6 - City Under Siege : Bubba Smith, David Graf,  Michael Winslow, Leslie Easterbrook, Marion Ramsey, Lance Kinsey, Matt  McCoy, Bruce Mahler, G.W. Bailey, George Gaynes, Kenneth Mars, Gerrit

You thought 5 was the end of it? It didn’t even end with 6!

MOVIE REVIEW | ***DUD SEQUEL WEEK*** Police Academy: Mission to Moscow  (1994) – Bored and Dangerous

And after that, it was Police Academy: Back in Training Camp with the Jets.

Expect good but not Lombardi good out of Kansas City. Maybe they can still sign the guy who played Tackleberry.

THE BENGALS WILL REGRESS

Outlook good!

The Super Bowl loser hangover thing is real. Like an NFL team named the Commanders, or what happens when you say “Candyman” 5 times out loud.

candyman: farewell to the flesh gif | WiffleGif

Yeah, yeah, they fixed up that woeful offensive line all nice. That’s how they get you. Something will go wrong here, you’ll see. The curse has claimed other Joe Burrows before.

(Matt Ryan enters the chat, sans Lombardi.)

(Jimmy Garoppolo takes his drink order.)

(Cam Newton asks about the specials.)

(Dan Marino recommends the veal.)

THE CHARGERS WILL ELECTROCUTE THEMSELVES

Most likely!

This Chargers team is loaded. I might even make the case for them coming out of the AFC, once I’ve gone more than 2 hours without crack. But they will find a way to implode somewhere when it matters. Because it’s what they do, and they’re very good at it.

season 2 famalam GIF by BBC Three

The Chargers are Charlie Brown. And all the other teams are Lucy holding the football. But more importantly, how do Charger fans identify? Who embodies the Charger fan? Has to be someone who looks naive, yet dead inside, but still kind of lifelike.

Well, it couldn’t be Fozzie. He’s how Jet fans identify. Waka waka.

THE VIKINGS WILL FINISH 9-8 OR 8-9

Without a doubt!

It’s the Kirk Cousins effect. But at least they overpaid him to stick around. Must’ve been tough outbidding all those other teams looking to downgrade. It’s like Minnesota went all-in when there was nothing in the pot and everyone else was already folding.

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Take it down, big fella! You win a mediocre quarterback, two subway tokens, and a 2-for-1 coupon for the buffet at Excalibur.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Minnesota Vikings!

Viking fans identify with Kermit after Miss Piggy goes all “hiiii-ya!”

None of these teams are winning the Super Bowl this year. Packers, Chiefs, Bengals, Chargers, Vikings. At least, not according to my son’s 8-ball.

So who IS going to win?

Ask again later.

As always, thanks for playing!