#5 University of Georgia
God I hope my dad isn’t reading this, but I can say from personal experience that UGA fans can be pretty annoying. They are contractually obligated to yell “Go Dawgs!” to anyone wearing any sort of UGA logo. My least favorite UGA fan tradition is the barking. Men in their 50’s and 60’s will lose their voices from yelling “roo roo roo roo roo” (I think that is the correct spelling for the UGA bark) back and forth at each other. There’s just something about grown men barking at each other that makes me cringe. Just typing “roo roo roo roo roo” sent an uncomfortable chill down my spine.
Possibly the most annoying thing about UGA fans though is their optimism. Every college football season begins with commentators declaring this year to be the dawg’s year. The fans start the season off overly aggressive. They get up in the faces of Kentucky and Ole Miss fans. They get even more up in their faces when they easily beat them. Then the SEC championship rolls around, and it’s time to go head-to-head with a SEC West team (i.e. Alabama or Auburn). I’ve sat through many SEC championship games with one of the most die-hard UGA fans, my dad. Here’s how it always goes:
Pre-Game: “This is our year!”
1st Half: “Go dawgs, baby! Sick ’em!”
2nd Half: “F**K”
End of Game: “We need a new defensive and/or offensive coordinator.”
#4 Ole Miss
Ole Miss fans tailgate far better than their football team will ever play. They have wedding-level tents lining The Grove, which is their infamous designated football tailgating area. Some of these tents even have chandeliers in them. That’s because Ole Miss fans primarily come from “old money.” The students actually walk around tailgates in blazers and pearls, which I find infuriating for some reason. I think it’s because I have a very low snob-tolerance level. So, if you yell “Hotty Toddy” in my face one more time, I’m going to throw my beer all over your Brooks Brothers blazer, Garrett. I will in all honesty never have the guts to throw beer on Garrett, because Garrett Sr. is most likely a lawyer and will sue me for assaulting his sweet baby boy.
I don’t think Ole Miss fans even know who their team is playing while they’re sipping on mimosas. If I played on the Ole Miss football team though, I probably wouldn’t want a stand packed full of little d-bags yelling at me to “catch the god-damn ball.” How bout you switch out those loafers for some cleats and try to catch a ball while four giant men are running towards you, Garrett? Garrett Sr. would have quite the lawsuit to file if you did.
#3 University of Tennessee
For some reason, I always forget about Tennessee football. I watch pretty much all SEC games on Saturday, but I usually omit Tennessee, unless they’re playing UGA. Then, when that game finally happens, they all of a sudden emerge into my life. I can faintly hear “Rocky Top” playing in the distance. It gets closer and closer until I am surrounded by orange and white checkered overalls and people screaming what I believe to be words.
Tennessee fans live in the past. Tennessee was a great football team around the time when Apple released the iPod Nano. If you ever get the chance to talk with a die-hard Tennessee fan, I suggest you monopolize on the opportunity. You will hear stories of “the time we whipped y’all’s ass back in ’05.” Don’t argue with them about how their team has really gone downhill since then. Just let them walk you through memory lane—it’s all they have nowadays.
#2 University of Florida
University of Florida fans reside in the armpit of the armpit of America: Gainesville, Florida. And they tailgate like they live in Gainesville, Florida. Florida fans are known for getting absolutely wasted on football Saturdays. They will split a kiddie-pool serving of Bud Light between two people. They even bring live gators to tents surrounded by absurdly drunk people. In short, they do things that their Lord and Savior, Tim Tebow, certainly wouldn’t approve of.
Florida fans are also known for being very aggressive. Maybe it’s the Florida heat or the kiddie-pool of beer, but they will start a fight with a toddler should he or she yell “Go dawgs” or “Hotty Toddy.” My father has claimed that while he was at a UGA vs. Florida tailgate a Florida fan was crawling around on all fours and biting UGA fans’ ankles. Now that’s some Florida type s**t. Part of me loves though that Florida fans really embrace the anti-classy Florida stereotype. They wear overalls without shirts underneath, their go-to tailgate food is fried baby alligator, and they just genuinely don’t give a tiny rat’s ass as to whether or not other people label them as “rednecks.” Y’all keep doing y’all, Florida fans. I’ll just be over here watching in pure awe.
#1 University of Alabama
Everyone, except Alabama fans, knew that Alabama fans were going to be ranked #1 on this list. Alabama fans truly do not know or believe that they insufferable. They assume that everyone wishes they were them. Maybe all the championships they’ve been to has gone to their heads, or Nick Saban’s ego has rubbed off on them. However they came to be the way they are doesn’t change the fact that I hate them. I’ve had plenty of people tell me that I just hate them because they are the best. For those of you who think that, let me clarify something: I don’t hate Alabama football; I hate Alabama football fans.
I can tell you for a fact that there are many Alabama students who chose the college based on the football team. I have actually had people I went to high school with admit that. With every championship Alabama wins, there is an increase in student applications. That just baffles me. Call me crazy, but I chose my college based on its academics. That’s just me though. Y’all let me know how being the “O” in the “R-O-L-L T-I-D-E” painted on you and your friends’ stomachs helped you land a job post-grad.
Morgan Williams is a freelance humor writer based in Atlanta.
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