NFL Parity Clarity: The Good, The Bad, And The Lions

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Detroit Lions football
The pieces change, but...

The good news is that most NFL teams now stink equally, like every flavor of yogurt ever. The bad news is we still have to watch the Lions, who are averaging almost 33 points a game and sit at 1-3 (which is actually a pretty good record for them). Somehow they’re always getting blown out by 29 points and then only lose by 3. This is why Detroit fans always look like they’ve been roofied.

Also, they’ve really been roofied.

But every team looks mediocre right now. Yes, even Jalen Hurts and those amazing 4-0 Eagles, who have the easiest schedule since the one that included nap time and finger painting.

They don’t play a really good team all year, unless Green Bay starts looking a lot better. Aaron Rodgers just spent an entire game wearing a face that said “I think I might lose at home to someone named Bailey Zappe,” while almost losing at home to someone named Bailey Zappe, whose Madden rating is just a hamburger chew toy that squeaks.

The Bills, Chiefs, and Bucs? They’ve all stumbled a bit. Sure, still the best of the bunch. But that’s like saying Peter and Marcia still look the best out of “The Brady Bunch” kids.

I mean, all of them kind of look like the Baltimore Ravens, right? Lamar Jackson would have them at 2-2.

You can blame injuries all you want, but that won’t stop Miami from playing Tua Tagovailoa, even if they have to prop him up like the dead guy in “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

And before you say the NFL won’t let that happen again, keep in mind there was a “Weekend at Bernie’s II.” On purpose.

Ah, the golden age of Hollywood. Picture everything on streaming getting a theatrical release. That was 1993.

So this is the problem. We like parity, we really do. But the hope was that the teams would all be equally good, not equally shitty. The NFL right now just feels like 32 locations of Del Taco. And then we make innocent countries like England and Germany eat some too. Who the hell in London is a Vikings or Saints fan? There’s barely any in Minnesota and New Orleans. How excited would we be if New York hosted a Liverpool vs Chelsea soccer match once a year?

Okay, we’d love it. But we’ll watch anything. We’re on Season 23 of “The Voice.”

Yeah, yeah, a few of these teams will get their shit together. But this season had so much promise. Remember how pumped we were to see this Chargers team? The Colts with Matt Ryan? The Broncos with Russell Wilson? The Raiders? The AFC was supposed to be loaded. But please, expand the playoffs until everyone gets in but the Lions. Good plan.

Meanwhile, all the rules for player safety (so many less injuries, huh?) have taken all the fun from the game. It’s worse than safe sex after a pandemic.

It’ll get better. You’ll see.

The football, I mean. No one’s ever having fun sex again.

As always, thanks for playing!

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