Lamar Jackson Is Not Deshaun Watson

Lamar Jackson
Lamar Jackson scowls at his agent, Lamar Jackson

They don’t even spell their names the same. But this doesn’t mean they don’t have some things in common. They both play quarterback in the NFL, neither has won jack shit in said NFL, and the Cleveland Browns are responsible for both of their unfortunate contract situations.

The Cleveland Browns, fucking everyone since 1946!

And for some reason Dobby the house elf is their logo. Because when you get the chance to have an elf with shit-feet as your logo, you jump on it.

The Browns gave perennial role-model Watson an insane amount of money and guarantees and coupons to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch.

So, naturally, Jackson is holding out for a similar deal, even though no one else in the NFL is Browns-level ($230 million guaranteed) dumb. From a strictly football viewpoint, Watson is a decent comp. They’re similar age, similar stats, similar lack of Super Bowl experience. They both like movies about gladiators.

With his running style, Jackson may be less durable. But he also seems to have the higher upside. Plus, women don’t hate him or think he’s a total dick. And yet still, no one is throwing $230 million his way. It’s a “Clue”-worthy mystery.

Some people think Jackson should really fire his agent. But since he represents himself, that could make things awkward at home.

Here’s the tough reality for Lamar. He’s not worth it. No one other than Patrick Mahomes is worth it, and even he doesn’t have that deal. Too much risk for an unproven (see: ringless) star. Only desperate teams with dead-inside fan bases make that dead-end deal. Hi Brownies!

The Ravens were smart. They put the non-exclusive franchise tag on Jackson, meaning he can negotiate a deal with any other team and Baltimore can choose to match it, or receive two first-round picks as compensation. Qualifying as a total shock, no other teams are biting. Jackson probably figured the Jets were dumb enough to go for it, but they’re busy being stupid with 39-year-old hippie Aaron Rodgers.

I’m sure when Aaron emerges from the dark room with a bong he’ll help New York not win a Super Bowl, just like his predecessor Brett Favre. It’s tradition.

Ladies and gentlemen, the New York Jets!

Look, we all know these football players deserve hundreds of millions of dollars to throw a pointy ball around or be injured, but there’s a salary cap. Think of the poor guys only making $50 million. It’s a team game, like baseball, or jerking off.

Don’t feel bad for Lamar Jackson. Feel bad for anyone who paid full price to see the movie “Norbit.”

Movie theaters! Come on back, America!

Meanwhile, the Ravens already won this negotiation.

As always, thanks for playing!

+ posts