The NFL playoffs were pretty damn fun last year. Hell, the Rams and Bengals made it to the Super Bowl. And we all acted like somehow that made sense. There were so many thrilling outcomes. Wild games, crazy finishes. Like playing Fortnite after smoking crack.
As totally sensible player contracts (cough, Russell Wilson, end cough) remind us, the NFL is a business. And like any successful company, they want their customers satisfied, and also addicted to DraftKings.
So to ensure another year of exciting, unpredictable playoff action, the NFL has made sure all the contenders stink. Yes, even you Cowboys and Chiefs. One of you just beat Kirk Cousins, and the other beat the Chargers, who are always the full team version of Kirk Cousins. We’re not impressed. Keep in mind I’m only speaking for myself, my readers, and everyone else.
Not that the Eagles didn’t look fearsome in squeaking out a one-point win over the Colts. The same Colts who recently fired their coach and randomly replaced him with Jeff Saturday (and no, that’s not my porn star name), who was just on his couch eating nachos and watching TikToks. Which is totally nothing like that movie where they pluck Whoopi Goldberg out of the crowd and let her coach the Knicks.
And I’m glad they made the poster weirdly sexual. Hollywood just knows what we want.
Who else? The Giants? Sure, everyone knows the road to the Super Bowl is paved with teams that lost to the Lions. You know what they say, a loss to Detroit always looks great on a resume. Like a degree in Floral Management from Mississippi State.
Meanwhile, watching the Titans beat up that life-size Aaron Rodgers bobblehead doll was just uncomfortable and sad. Like watching Steven Seagal eat a carrot.
It doesn’t mean the Titans are good. It just means Seagal must eat like shit when no one’s looking.
What about the Bills, you ask? Yeah, they sure looked like world-beaters in a dogfight against the shit-stain Browns. And Josh Allen’s elbow seems fine now. He won’t be able to jerk off for awhile though. Welcome to No-Nut November, Josh.
The Ravens are meh. The Dolphins are meh. The 49ers look great against teams like the Rams and Cardinals, but how did they look against Kansas City, an actual contender?
And Charles Barkley doesn’t lie. He’s an odd pants-size to be the fresh face of Subway, but he doesn’t lie. Subway! Eat fat! The skinny guy turned out to be a pedophile!
Look, this is all good news for everyone (maybe not Subway). The NFL playoffs will be incredible! Any team that gets in can win it all. No one is unbeatable. No one’s even that scary.
The fact that “Gangnam Style” was a thing here, that’s scary.
Don’t look at me, I thought it was really strange at the time. And I for sure never did the dance moves in the office to impress Kristin from accounting. I blame you. It’s like you learned nothing from “Mambo #5.”
I’m telling you, the post-season is gonna be epic.
As always, thanks for playing!