I have worked as an experimental scientist for the Neurological & Fitness Lab (NFL) for many years. I have aided the NFL in countless experiments focused on creating the highest caliber of human athletes. But none of NFL experiments have, or I believe ever will, outweigh Experiment #12. I began Experiment #12 in 1977. This scientific endeavor revolved around producing the “perfect athlete,” which up until then had never been accomplished. When Specimen #334 of Experiment #12 came to life in his bio freeze tube, I knew that he was going to be one of my greatest scientific accomplishments. He is one of the finest specimens I’ve created in my 50 years as an NFL experimental scientist. He is who you know as “Tom Brady.”
We have a very unique relationship. He calls me “Pa-Pa,” and I refer to him as “Specimen #334.” I NEVER refer to him as “Tom Brady.” It is an important part of the scientist, experiment relationship to thwart any personal attachment to a specimen. He often tried to hug me, but I have made a point to squirt him with a water bottle whenever he tries to show affection. I believe that my in-affection caused him to attach to an outsider, Bill Belichick. Specimen #334 began crediting Belichick with his superior football capabilities. But it was I who made him what he is. Without me, there would be no “Tom Brady,” the “GOAT.”
So, I decided that it was time to remove Specimen #334 from the grips of Belichick. I placed him in Tampa, Florida where he would play for the “Buccaneers.” My thinking was that Specimen #334 would be less likely to attach to Bruce Arians. I also placed one of my botched experiments on the team with him. I am referring to who you know as “Rob Gronkowski,” but, to me, he is Specimen #376. Something happened during Specimen #376’s incubation period that caused severe damage to his frontal cortex, resulting in him acting like a twelve-year-old for the rest of his life.
Specimen #334 took well to his new environment. He seemed to interact well with the other human players on his team. He procured yet another Super Bowl ring. I keep all of his rings in a drawer like a parent would with their child’s baby teeth. It is the one affectionate indulgence that I allow myself to practice in private.
I did run into a glitch back in February of 2021. During a boat parade in Tampa, Florida, Specimen #334 over-indulged in the revelry of his accomplishments at Super Bowl XXX. After ingesting two light beers, he experienced what most refer to as “getting wasted.” This seemed to cause a malfunction in his cerebral programming.
Experiment #376 carried him back to the lab where I reprogrammed him. He reverted back to trying to hug me for a bit. I believe that this is due to the fact that he is what you may call an “emotional drunk.” But after spraying him in the face with water multiple times, Specimen #334 corrected this behavior.
Now, he is back in the lab with me fulltime as I prepare him for the 2021 season. I’ve experimented with multiple performance-enhancing procedures. Some failed. One ended in Specimen #334 attempting to set up a celebrity boxing match between himself and one of the Paul brothers. I had to shut him off for a few hours and let him fully reboot as a result of this near catastrophic reaction. However, I was able to successfully program multiple new performance-enhancing upgrades. I look forward to unveiling Specimen #334 Version 2.0 in the upcoming 2021 season. I predict that this will finally earn me my Nobel Prize.