It was your typical office holiday party this year, except with a lot more people laughing at the Denver Broncos. Even Russell Wilson was laughing until someone reminded him he’s on that team for the rest of his natural life.
Over at the punch bowl, Tom Brady was telling Matt Ryan what a tough year it’s been for the GOAT. This was right before Matt tried to bite off Tom’s finger to steal one of his seven rings.
Bill Belichick was there, he’s always the life of the party. Usually he just giggles, but this time he spent most of the night trying to convince people that the Patriots and Bengals had somehow switched bodies after he picked up the wrong fortune cookie. No one believed him though. Except Jamie Lee Curtis.
Not to be outdone in the movie department, the Dolphins did a “Weekend at Bernie’s” with Tua Tagovailoa, parading his concussed corpse around while insisting he was fine. Supposedly he went home with Jamie Lee Curtis.
Kirk Cousins was there, drinking and getting a little too loud. Fresh off his 38th win that could have gone either way he had plenty to say. Until someone pointed out that he has exactly one more playoff win than Jamie Lee Curtis.
Continuing their trend over the last 5 weeks, the Titans didn’t even bother to show up. Neither did the Bills, but that’s just because all their cars got buried under nine feet of snow.
The happiest guy there was Brock Purdy. Wearing his Mr. Irrelevant shirt, he grabbed the mic and told everyone what it’s like to be undefeated. Then he went on and on about how great the company is, and how we should all be grateful even though the holiday party IS our bonus this year.
Soon-to-be-ex-Jets-QB Zach Wilson was the guy who had way too much alcohol and kept telling everyone to fuck off. Meanwhile, Jimmy Garoppolo, surrounded by porn stars, kept telling everyone to fuck on.
And of course, Deshaun Watson was getting blown in the corner while Cleveland paid for it. Thus begins a fun new tradition for the Browns, who have guaranteed to do that for the next 5 years and 230 million dollars.
There’s more, but those were the highlights. Other than when Kermit the Frog sang “Rainbow Connection” and everyone thought it was Patrick Mahomes.
As always, thanks for playing!