Are The Eagles The Luckiest Super Bowl Team Ever?

Miles Sanders
It's totally a good sign when your star running back's nickname is "Boobie"

The Eagles are the lucky-to-be-here team. Not in a Chargers way, like when they showed up and promptly gave up 15 touchdowns to Steve Young. No, the Eagles are actually good. But they had the easiest path to the big game since the “80 for Brady” girls.

And why is Jane Fonda still kind of hot? Metamucil? Is anyone else seeing this? No? Just me?

#1 seeds often only have one tough opponent to get past, but the Eagles even lucked out there. The 49ers ran out of back-up plans almost immediately. Next up on the QB depth chart was Sally Field.

Before that all they had to do was beat the New York Giants. The San Francisco Giants would have played better football. The New York teams are a clown show, even when they win Super Bowls.

Tom Brady beat some very good quarterbacks in Super Bowls. And lost to Eli Manning and Nick Foles. I’m not sure what to do with that. It just feels like Thanksgiving dinner after Uncle George got arrested for indecent exposure. Totally not awkward at all.

Did the Eagles even have to work hard for the #1 seed? Their schedule was Pop Warner. Their toughest opponent was Jacksonville early in the season, before the Jags were any good. I haven’t seen unearned success like this since Brian Bosworth got to star in a big Hollywood movie.

I know what you’re thinking, why was that movie available on 8mm? Who was even watching movies on 8mm in 1991? Or ever? Like, you would have to buy a special projector called a moviola from the 1940s just to see the film.

Seriously, how many 8mm prints of “Stone Cold” did they sell?? I’m not springing for 8mm until they team “The Boz” with Ryan Leaf and JaMarcus Russell in a remake of “Three Amigos.” Those are my terms.

But this is about the Eagles, stop changing the subject. So, after basically just having to show up on Sundays all year, Philly finally is set to be tested in the Super Bowl against Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs. Except Mahomes and all his receivers are injured.

Aside from being aroused by the first non-octogenarian woman we’ve seen so far, you’re probably now wondering about injuries. Or porn. Or porn-related injuries.

Look, I’m not saying Vegas has this all set up to cash in after everyone puts money on the Eagles. But I’m not NOT saying it either.

And yes, that purple outfit is part of my regular rotation. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

The Eagles are actually favored. You have to give Vegas a point-and-a-half. That’s how good a job they’ve done convincing everyone how great Philly is. But is Philadelphia really that great? Their cream cheese is, but again, what’s been the competition? Tillamook?

Maybe no one noticed, but the Chiefs just beat a pretty good Bengals team, while Mahomes could barely walk. Travis Kelce almost didn’t play cause of a bad back, so he only caught a game-high 7 balls, one for a touchdown. And this KC team is experienced, they’ve been here before. Hell, they even dumped Tyreek Hill and didn’t miss a beat. They’re a juggernaut. Like the milk industry. Or Juggernaut.

Listen, anything can happen in one game. Or in one night, with the right whore.

But the unproven Eagles are the real Gambit. (Too much Marvel? You’re right, fuck Green Lantern.)

As always, thanks for playing!

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