What is White Boy Summer?
There’s no clear answer to this question. I’ll attempt to explain though. It all started with a video that Tom Hanks’ son, Chet Hanks, posted on Instagram. He declares that he’s “got this feeling man that this summer is uh going to white boy summer.” I’m sorry, what? I did not know that a season could be assigned a gender and race. He clarifies that he is “not talking about like Trump, Nascar type white.” Still not picking up what you’re putting down, Chet. It came to be understood though that White Boy Summer involves a ton of drinking, women, and douche-baggery. It’s basically a spinoff of “Hot Girl Summer,” which is a social media trend that involves bikinis and TikTok dances. I honestly don’t understand Hot Girl Summer either because I have been partaking in Average Looking Girl Summer.
Hanks got a ton of backlash for the video. Did he not know that was coming though? Out of all the adjectives you could have chosen, you decided on “white boy?” I personally want no part of White Boy Summer. If I wanted to partake in multiple months of fratty, white boy debauchery, I’d buy Ole Miss football season tickets. There’s a better way to sum up the different types of summer: by NFL players.
Who’s ready to give themselves a concussion by crushing some Busch Light cans on their heads!? Gronk Summer is all about beer and creative ways to drink it. Maybe you crush a few brews using a funnel, your son’s baby bottle, an old arm cast, someone’s shoe, or a gas can—the sky’s the limit. Feel free to DM us pictures or videos of you finding creative ways to drink beer. Gronk Summer is not for the weak—it takes a lot of physical stamina. You must be able to endure back-to-back days of non-stop head banging to “TNT” by ACDC, body slamming tables, and passing out on pool floats. To those of you who have what it takes to endure Gronk Summer, can I get a “HELL YA BRÖTHER!”
George Kittle Summer:
George Kittle Summer is actually somewhat similar to Gronk Summer—it too primarily involves heavy drinking. But, George Kittle Summer adds stimulants to the equation and revolves around taking things way too far. There’s something endearing about Gronk Summer people. George Kittle Summer people are unpleasantly aggressive at best. I recommend George Kittle Summer to those of y’all who have ever been kicked out of a party for doing stuff like headbutting drywall or pissing in the washing machine. Do NOT get on a boat with anyone who is partaking in George Kittle Summer on your boat. They will more than likely either A. try to jump off it while it’s moving or B. scream at girls in another boat to take their tops off. George Kittle Summer is pretty much only enjoyable for those participating in George Kittle Summer.
Tom Brady Summer:
You probably also shouldn’t let anyone who is practicing Tom Brady Summer on your boat. Tom Brady Summer involves spending most of the season working indoors and longingly looking out the window. Then, on that one weekend they have off during the summer, Tom Brady Summer people go absolutely ape s**t. They somehow go from “Can’t drink, got to get up early for work tomorrow” to “CHUG YOU P***Y.” When Monday hits, they are in back in the office, full suit and tie, and stopping by their coworkers’ cubicles so they can throw out one-liners like “Working hard or hardly working?” Those who practice Tom Brady Summer are robots with a programmed off and on switch for “piece of s**t” mode. I think my switch is broken.
Philip Rivers Summer:
This one is for those of y’all whose idea of a fun summer night involves bocce ball tournaments and lemonade. One of the neatest parts of Philip Rivers Summer is that you get have bible study outside. People who practice Philip Rivers Summer are the types who plug their nose before jumping in the pool. Nice weather does not give Philip Rivers Summer people permission to partake in sins like drinking beer and wearing bathing suits. I personally don’t understand y’all. But, I hope y’all’s summers are full of fireflies in mason jars and plenty of 100 SPF.
Joe Burrow Summer:
You’ve been hyped about summer all year. You finally get to hop on a boat for the first time this season, and you slip and break your leg in the process. Welcome to Joe Burrow Summer. People don’t really choose Joe Burrow Summer—Joe Burrow Summer chooses them. They may get to enjoy a week or two of Gronk or George Kittle summer, then they have to spend the rest of the three months watching people water ski from the dock and sitting in the car while everyone else goes on a hike. If they want to swim, they have to put a Ziploc bag over their cast. I’m not saying that it’s impossible to enjoy Joe Burrow Summer. It’s just going to take a lot of optimism and saying, “It barely even hurts,” on repeat.
Marshawn Lynch Summer:
Marshawn Lynch Summer could also be called “Anti-Summer Summer.” People who partake in Marshawn Lynch Summer couldn’t get less of a f**k about the season. You ask them to get in the pool, and they’ll say, “Why? So I can get all wet?” They’d rather stay inside where there’s air conditioning than get all sweaty on a hike. They think people go hiking just so they can say that they went hiking. Some Marshawn Lynch Summer people may even straight up dislike summer because it comes with all these social obligations. They aren’t at the family BBQ because they want to be there—they’re just there so they don’t get fined.