Wyatt Scott: Canadian Parliament
Where do I even begin with this one? I mean it has everything from dragon slaying to a man in a dress to alien invasions. Wyatt Scott blazes a new trail for politicians with this video. Y’all can stop kissing babies and petting Golden Retrievers. It is now time to beckon in the politicians who slay dragons and ride whatever bird that is in his video.
I truly wish though that Wyatt Scott wasn’t an Independent. I think this video would be even more legendary if he were to yell, “I’m a Democrat,” or “I’m a Republican” while riding on the back of the giant goose. I’d love to see Fox or CNN try to justify why this video is a good look for their political parties. I know that Canada has different political parties than the U.S., but a gal can dream.
Joe Exotic: President of the United States
I don’t know about y’all, but Joe Exotic covers all the questions I would ask a person running for president: sexual orientation, drug use, number of tigers owned, flexibility on wearing a suit, level of kinkiness in the bedroom, and whether or not some b***h has filed a lawsuit against them. Unless you’re still watching cable TV, you know Joe from the explosive Netflix docu-series, “Tiger King.” We got to spend the first weeks of Covid quarantine watching this gay, redneck lion keeper engage in antics ranging from b******g about that b***h Carole Baskin to holding lion poop in his hands while he starred in his own music video.
Joe’s political career began with his race for governor of Oklahoma. If you were wondering what it takes to come in third in the race for governorship in Oklahoma, all you need to do is own some tigers and be fully open about wanting to kill a fellow tiger-keeper. Yes, Joe Exotic came in third in the race for governor of Oklahoma, which officially made Oklahoma more Florida than Florida. He did not however come as close in the presidential race. I hope that some day my children will live under the ruling of Joe Exotic, President of the United States.
Richard Painter: Minnesota Senate
Whoever “approved this message” needs to be fired immediately! Let’s start with the fact that Richard Painter’s voice sounds like an even creepier Keith Morrison, proving that there is someone out there with a voice that is somehow creepier than Keith Morrison’s. Also, does this guy have a chaw in? His mouth looks like he put in a Copenhagen lip right before filming. The way he stares into the camera makes me feel like he is attempting to stare inside my soul while he debates whether or not he is going to eat it. Not to be dramatic, but Richard Painter is what my sleep paralysis demon looks like. Yes, I am haunted by the figure of an old white man in a suit who stands in the corner of my bedroom and watches me sleep.
Now I will address the dumpster fire, because the dumpster fire deserves its own paragraph. I can somewhat appreciate Painter’s metaphorical angle. But, listen, Dick, my life is already a dumpster fire. I don’t want to be reminded of the fact that I am also living within a dumpster fire. Because a dumpster fire within a dumpster fire can burn down the world. Also, did you ever consider hosing down the fire and literally putting it out? Because, from what I saw, you just let a dangerous dumpster fire blaze on. That has to violate a ton of safety codes.
Jedrzej Wijas: Polish Parliament
Who also just got a concussion from banging their head too hard? I know I did. Here’s the English translation of the messages that appear on screen: “End of the useless talking, / Enough of the stupid wars, / Secular government, / Dignified life, / Freedom, / Is my goal, / Vote wisely.” That is an absolute headbanger. My only question is, do y’all do weddings? My ideal wedding reception includes both terrifying my guests as well as politically informing them. I know that y’all live in Poland, and I am located in Atlanta, Georgia, but I will gladly pay for all of y’all’s plane tickets and hotel accommodations.
Wijas did not end up winning the SLD candidacy. However, he did turn lemons into lemonade by starting his own death metal band. The band is named “Niższe Podatki,” which translate to “Lower Taxes.” Wijas and his fellow bandmates travel throughout Poland and educate citizens on political issues through headbanging music. I made all that up. But wouldn’t it be awesome if that was true?
Mike Gravel: President of the United States
They say that one look can say a thousand words. Turns out, staring into a camera for over a minute can lose you the race for the 2008 democratic presidential candidacy. I have no words for Mike Gravel’s presidential campaign ad, and, apparently, neither does Mike Gravel. There are no words spoken and no direct message conveyed—just an old man staring then throwing a rock into the water.
According to Gravel the video was a metaphor. In an interview, he explained that the video was trying to convey “an ordinary citizen, Mike Gravel, and what he’s doing, he’s trying to make a change in society and then he’s going on with his life or to death.” Gravel was actually an Alaskan senator from 1969-1981. He did not give up on his presidential pursuit though—he ran again for the 2020 democratic presidential nominee. Obviously, he did not win. But, Mike Gravel walked so kooky, white, old politicians like Bernie Sanders could run.
Rob Hahn: Governor of Minnesota
Talk about an epic BURN. Rob Hahn completely changed the game of the hate campaign with this truly catchy rendition of “Major Tom” by Peter Schillings. In this truly baffling campaign ad, Hahn attacks his political opponent, Tom Horner (AKA “Oily Tom), for Governor of Minnesota. He uses amateur animated characters, oil innuendos, and what looks like poop falling on Horner’s head to layout everything that is wrong with Tom Horner. First of all, Horner is very oily. “Oilier than BP,” to be specific. Second of all, he is a tool who wears Prada glasses. Last, and most important, he is very scared of Rob Hahn (according to Rob Hahn).
I don’t know how, but Hahn did not win the Independent party candidacy. Which begs the question, what the hell is wrong with all you Minnesota voters? Did Hahn’s message not register with you? Did y’all not pay attention to how oily Tom Horner is? He is VERY oily. Maybe it’s just a Minnesota thing, but I personally would not want an oily man governing my state. So, Rob Hahn, if you’re reading this, just know that I think you were robbed.
Christopher Knight: Rockingham County Board of Education
Here’s a rough transcript of how I imagine the idea for this ad came about:
Christopher Knight: What do kids like?
Campaign Manager: Kids can’t vote. You need to appeal to adult voters.
Christopher Knight: I’m pretty sure kids still like sci-fi.
Campaign Manager: Chris, we’ve talked about this so many times.
Christopher Knight: You’re right. We need to go with a Star Wars theme.
Campaign Manager: Jesus Christ, why didn’t I just become an accountant.
When the video first started, I thought it was an intro to an acting reel. Then, things became more unclear when the video cut to what looked to be a child’s toy model of a Star Wars ship in front of a greenscreen. I too am an independent filmmaker, so I can empathize with the difficulty he faced working with a low budget. In a recent film, I had to strategically shoot scenes so that the actors’ feet didn’t appear onscreen because I couldn’t afford the necessary footwear. So, Chris, let me know if you’re down to collaborate on a small-budget film with me.