Cryptocurrency is a world of its own, and I personally do not feel the need to inhabit said world. I don’t know what the term “mining” means or the current price Bitcoin is trading for. I don’t expect fellow BeerLife people to either. I’m not here to try to explain the cryptocurrency logistics I learned after doing research. I like to leave the numbers to our handicappers. I did dive deep into the rabbit hole of some of the most obscure cryptocurrencies out there. What I discovered had me so entertained that I had to share my findings with y’all. So, go ahead and polish off your beers, because things are about to get weird…so very weird.
So, Cthulhu is a fictional creature with an octopus head who will consume your sanity should you look him in the eyes. Naturally, one guy, Adam McKinney, decided to construct a cryptocurrency that revolved around the myth of Cthulhu. McKinney announced the development of this super normal form of cryptocurrency on an online forum saying, “The time draws near, the return of The Great Old One [Cthulhu] is upon us…Join us in our ritual.” I don’t know about y’all, but that has me ready to shovel internet coins into the belly of Cthulhu (all hail) and await his apocalyptical arrival.
Not only does this cryptocurrency come with a severely relatable backstory, but it also comes with it’s own language. Coins are called “offerings” or “blessings,” investors are “cultists,” and mining is done via “sacrifices.” So, parents, don’t be worried if you see your teenager texting a friend about meeting up with some fellow “cultists” to discuss investing in “offerings” for “sacrifices.” Your kid is not becoming a Satanist, rather a financier. I feel the need to also inform y’all about this cryptocurrency’s biggest incentive—once the cryptocurrency reaches its xxx665th offering, Cthulhu himself will return and give one lucky cultists “endless bounties.” If you did not originally do so, re-read that in Billy Mays’ voice.
But wait, there’s more. I’m sure many of y’all are wondering, “Can I actually make money off this?” What if I told you that the point of Cthulhu crypto was not even to make money? “It was not released to make money or even to be profitable—it was released because Cthulhu deserves a way for people to waste electricity in his name,” says McKinney. I’m not even going to try to make a clever joke, because anything I say will pale in comparison to that quote.
Russia: A nation known for intricate architecture, those dolls that have multiple dolls inside them, and, as of 2017, Burger King. Russia decided to dip its toe in the vast sea of cryptocurrency by developing the “WhopperCoin.” Burger Kings all over Russia basically said, “Screw the punch card…We are going to take the idea of a customer loyalty rewards program, complicate it, and then the people of Russia will feel like they are participating in the cryptocurrency phenomenon even though they can actually go to jail for crypto trading.”
For every ruble you spend at a Russian Burger King near you, you will receive one whoppercoin. You can only receive these coins by ordering a Whopper sandwich, not Chicken Fries, not a Kid’s Meal, not the side salad that fast food chains are required to serve…This currency is STRICTLY for the burger. Once you’ve sacrificed your health and wellbeing to eating enough Whoppers to collect 1,700 coins (rubles), you are rewarded in the form of one free Whopper sandwich. I know what y’all are thinking, Burger King can take my hard earned rubles and run with them.
What if I told you that the whoppercoin also provides a solution to the universal issue of trading the rewards earned from eating fast food into actual currency? I don’t know about y’all, but, if I had a ruble for every time I ran across this problem, I’d have enough rubles to earn like 3 free Whoppers in Russia. Problem solved. You can actually trade the coins you earn as real cash after reaching 1,700 whoppercoins. Basically, when it comes to how you want to utilize this groundbreaking form of cryptocurrency you can, to quote the King himself, “Have it your way.” Or, as his Russian counterpart, the Burger Czar, likes to put it, “удь по-твоему.”
No, Diarrhea Coin is not a customer rewards program for Taco Bell—it is a viable form of cryptocurrency that revolves around (I can’t believe I’m about to type this out) poop. If you’re thinking that was the weirdest thing you’d ever read, let me introduce you to the real-life story that inspired Diarrhea Coin. It all began when a woman was walking on Hollywood Boulevard. While taking a stroll, a homeless man walked up to her and proceeded to dump a bucket of his own diarrhea on her head. You know what they say…”When it rains, it pours.”
What if I now told you that the purpose of this coin is actually for a greater good? San Francisco residents and founders of Diarrhea Coin, Hart Lambur, Daniel Que, and Tyson Battistella, heard about this story and realized that this one woman’s experience relates to a bigger issue: the growing homeless population. A 2019 study showed that the homeless population in San Francisco has increased by 30% since 2017. With this increase in homelessness, there has been a rise in the city’s reports of public fecal matter. Lambur, Que, and Battistella took it upon themselves to utilize the booming industry of cryptocurrency to combat this s****y phenomenon.
How does this all work? Well, it is sort of a trickle down effect (I’m sorry, but these are just spewing out of me). The amount of money you earn is based on your prediction of the rise and fall of local public feces rates. Entities, such as cities, can issue “poop coins” to individuals or residents. The main incentive for those selling poop coins is that the more you do to make these rates go down, the more laxative, I mean lucrative, Diarrhea Coin becomes. Should the seller successfully help reduce the rates, they can earn both a return and growth on their investments.
So if you were wondering about the ins and outs of Diarrhea Coin, poop there it is.
You’re at a strip club. A lovely lady has completed “grinding all up on you.” Now, it’s time to tip her for pretending that she is actually remotely interested in you. You reach into your wallet, and, oh no, you’re out of cash. If only you could utilize the fat stacks of cryptocurrency you’ve amassed online. Well, the iconic Las Vegas gentleman’s club, Legends Room, devised a way to solve this problem that so many men can relate to. Not only does Legends Room accept Bitcoin, but they also constructed their own form of cryptocurrency, LGD.
You do not have to pay in the form of cryptocurrency to access the main room. However, if you want to gain access to the Legends Room’s members only area, you have to own at least 5,000 LGD tokens. Those who can pay this crypto fee will be able to partake in an experience that sets feminism back by decades. The strippers in the members only area have temporary tattoos of QR codes on their bodies. All you have to do to tip a dancer is use your phone to scan the code.
With LGD, we can officially retire Juicy J’s outdated lyrics, “Bands a make her dance.” Now, “Strategically mined online cryptocurrency a make her dance.”
PotCoin in-and-of-itself is not that outlandish—it’s a cryptocurrency that one can use to invest in the legalized cannabis industry and also pay for weed wherever it is legal to buy. So, do not ask your weed dealer, Kyle, if you can pay him in a cryptocurrency called “PotCoin” while y’all carry out a transaction in the middle of a Waffle House parking lot. You will just make yourself look like the type of guy who believes that $30 for a gram is a reasonable price. The idea of combining the booming cryptocurrency market with the booming marijuana market makes reasonable sense. But, I just wrote three paragraphs on a way in which you can monetize diarrhea. So, with that being said, let’s get weird.
The story of this cryptocurrency turned bizarre when none other than Dennis Rodman stepped into the picture…
For those of you who didn’t take the time to watch that fifty-one second video, let me give you a breakdown of what the hell just happened. That was a PotCoin employee sitting next to Dennis Rodman. Both are more stoned than the celebrities featured during the Jake Paul vs. Ben Askren pre-fight show. The PotCoin employee goes off on a tangent about how honored the company is to be able to fund Dennis Rodman’s second trip to North Korea. I rewound the video about four times to make sure I heard that correctly.
Up until that video, I was under the impression that D. Rod’s decision to visit North Korea again in 2017 was on an unmedicated whim. His iconic return to North Korea was actually sponsored by PotCoin. PotCoin paid for Rodman to go rub elbows with one of the most hated men in world history, Kim Jong Un. All Rodman had to do in return was wear a PotCoin shirt while on the trip. That’s like paying for Paris Hilton to visit an African village while wearing her iconic shirt that said, “Stop Being Poor,” just to profit from an insanely counterproductive form of entertainment value. The worst part was that this whole scheme worked. PotCoin’s market value went up by 23% in just one day while Rodman was in North Korea.
What if someone told you in the early 2000’s that internet weed money helped send Dennis Rodman to North Korea? I’ll end by letting y’all sit, think on that, and then try to fathom how this is just the tip of the iceberg of the strange future of online currency.