1. Pet Urine Light
Are you sick and tired of having to rub your hand on a wet spot then smell it to detect whether or not it is your dog’s or cat’s pee? I know I am. Now, you can harness the power of a UV black light to see if your little s**t took a piss on your carpet. It’s basically like those lights you see detectives using on Dateline to detect blood spatter. But, instead of blood it’s pee. And instead of a detective, you’re the angry owner of Buddy the golden retriever. Get this pee-detecting flashlight today for 20% off.
2. Pet Coffin
For those of you who are sick and tired of having to use the pet urine light, I suggest this pet coffin. This beauty is silky, fancy, and non-biodegradable. It comes in different sizes, so you put anything from a hamster to a Great Dane inside it. Anyone who attends your pet’s funeral will gasp when they see this coffin. Maybe they are gasping at its beauty or at the fact that you splurged on a silk coffin for your bunny. If anyone gives you a hard time though, you can tell them that you got you got it for 12% off on Prime day. Hoppy would be proud of your savings.
3. Hand Squirrel
Jesus Christ, talk about something I didn’t know that I absolutely needed! This sick baby is great for every occasion: birthday parties, family gatherings, you name it. Imagine being at a funeral, and the mood really needs to be lightened. Just whip out your hand squirrel, and everyone will forget about the dead body laying 6ft away from them. The best part is that you can get this beauty for 30% off before Prime Day ends.
4. Emergency Underwear
Do you love Taco Bell and/or iced coffee? If you do, how many times have you found yourself needing a spare pair of underwear? Bet you’d need more fingers and toes to be able to count the times you’ve been in this blunder. Let me introduce you to Code Brown Commandos. These emergency underwear come in a three pack, in a can, and fit MOST adults. I know what you’re thinking “Could this get any better?” IT CAN because today you can get the solution to your s****y situation for 20% off. Don’t let this deal pass you or your bowels by!
5. Naughty Gnome
This is the type of greeting I want visitors to receive when they walk up to my house. I want anyone who is considering disturbing me with their presence to think twice when they see the gnome flipping them the bird while smoking a fat cigar sitting in my dead garden. If you find the gnome funny, you are welcome inside my home. If you find it offensive, get the f**k off my property. If you act fast, you can get this handsome fella for 10% off, which saves you a whole $1.60.
6. Toilet Light Show
I was sitting on the toilet the other day, and I was just so bored. There was zero pizzazz to my bathroom experience. Just when I thought that all hope was lost in my pursuit of a more exciting bathroom experience was lost, I came across the LumiLux Toilet Light. This miracle in the toilet experience has 16 LED light colors. It’s also motion sensing, so you don’t have to reach into the toilet and manually turn it on. Imagine sitting on a toilet that is flashing blue and green while you’re drunk. Now, you don’t have to imagine—all you have to do is buy this on Amazon for 33% off.
7. Tube of Ladybug Larvae
Whether you have a super weird kid or if you yourself is a super weird adult, I suggest this tube of ladybug larvae. Yes, you can get a tube of bug eggs, or whatever “larvae” is, sent directly to you within 2-3 business days. Once you get this absolutely repulsive product in the mail, you can begin birthing ladybugs. This tube contains enough larvae to grow 10-13 ladybugs. You will probably need more of them because they die pretty quickly, and they are most likely the only companions you have if you actually order this. So, I suggest you monopolize the limited opportunity to order these in bulk for 12% off.
9. Wedding Ring
Is it time to pop the question to that very special someone? If it is, then don’t get this wedding ring. I suggest this wedding ring for those of you who propose to just about every boyfriend/girlfriend three months into the relationship. Maybe one of these days you’ll propose to someone who you will actually marry. But, more than likely, the green stain it puts around their ring finger will last far longer than y’all’s relationship. But at least you didn’t pay too much, because you got this ring for 10.87 instead its usual price, $13.59.
10. Psychedelic Knife Set
Nothing screams, “I’m a stoner,” like a knife set with the galaxy printed on them. You can use these babies to cut up your Hot Pockets, frozen pizzas, and/or Bagel Bites. Basically, these utensils are great to use on any frozen, pizza-related product. So, y’all put down your blunts, log onto Amazon Prime, and get these $5 off.
Morgan Williams is a freelance humor writer based in Atlanta.
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